Thursday, June 5, 2008

His Sovereign Will

I labeled this post "His Sovereign Will" to identify what I really believe. I trust in His will and know, through the gift of faith, that His will is perfect. I say all this up front so that there is no questioning where my loyalty lies as you read on.
Can you imagine getting into bed each night knowing that you will never sleep next to your spouse again?
Can you imagine never being able to hold hands or feel the warm touch of your spouse again? Can you imagine never being able to share your most intimate thoughts with your closest confidant?
Can you imagine never being able to tell or show this person how much you love him/her?
I couldn't before all of this happened and still am having a hard time grasping the finality of it all. Tonight is like every night. I climb into a lonely bed "communicating" with my computer and trying to get myself to the point of being so tired that I can do nothing but fall asleep. It doesn't work though. I try to snuggle up to the umpteen pillows I have surrounded myself with to give me the impression that I am not alone. This does not work either.
There is no escaping the fact that Eric is gone and he is not coming back. This is what makes me burst into tears each night. I am lonely and grieving over the loss of the companionship that Eric and I shared. I could tell him anything and he would accept my silly thoughts or funny notions. Where in the world will I find a man who will accept all my flaws like Eric did? Why did he have to die? Why didn't he call 911 earlier? Why am I left to take care of so many things? Why?
Tonight is like every other night. I question God's plan for my life. I don't want to be left behind. I want to be with Eric as he explores the new heaven and the new earth. I am already tired. But, this tired feeling does not get me any closer to sleeping. That only happens after the sobbing ends and I am reminded once again that "He has not left me nor forsaken me". And, when I go on about how this is too hard for me and why did He have to choose me I hear the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me that"He who began a good work in you will complete it".
I know that God is concerned with my grief as much as He understands my questions. I am so weak and yet He is so strong. Again I will say I don't understand but I trust.

9 comments:

All 8 of Us said...

Heather,
No, I can't imagine :( My heart aches for all you are walking through...thank you for being real and yet still trusting in His good and sovereign plan in the midst of the questions and pain.It reminds me of David in the psalms...your posts have made me appreciate my husband more and helped me to lay aside petty grievances. Thank you for your perspective. God is using you in your weakness . Keep pressing in--He is being glorified.

Blessings,Kathi

Kenj said...

Love you much, friend. Praying for you more as our family studies Job.

Reminds me of some Sara Groves lyrics I love:

"Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box,
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off.
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead,
Leaves him broken and grateful.

I passed understanding a long, long time ago,
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know.
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead,
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful.

I keep wanting you to be fair-
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers-
But that’s not what you said.

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job,
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead-
How to be broken and faithful.

Staring in the water like Aesops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful."

Lazy D Ranch said...

Kenj,
Miss you a lot. Those words were beautiful as most of Sara's work is. I am truly learning how to be broken, faithful, and grateful.
~Heather

Elisa said...

Dear Mrs. Davis,

yes/no I can/cant imagine. I am feeling a similar loss but still do not know what loosing a spouse would be like. all I know is that God has something very special for both of us in mind, and we must be patient. My Moms favorite Bible story was the story of Joseph. She had been though very many trials and that story brought her comfort. Joseph kept his eyes on Christ and God rewarded him greatly in the end!
I hope you guys are having much fun with the Chapas!
I love you guys and am still praying for you.

Elisa

godlover said...

Heather, I've never lost a spouse so I can only imagine what that must feel like. But when Richie died it was the "never coming back" that got to me sometimes when I least expected it. I could stand the fact that I hadn't seen him for a couple months. We'd been apart a couple months at a time before after he moved away. But it was the never coming back that killed me. So I know that type of pain. I can remember once I just started crying and blurted out, "Can't I please have Richie back, I've been good!" And then a dark despair moved over me when I fully realized that this was all forever. I would never crack jokes with my son again, or hold his hand, or push the hair out of his eyes, or catch that silly little wink. But time does heal, ever so slowly. I still cry as I am now and wonder if there couldn't have been some other way for our lives to go. So it will get easier, dear one, it just takes such a long, long time. My husband is 77 years old today and I know that chances are I will lose him within a matter of just years because he is so much older than I and I am not at all prepared to lose him. I will be utterly devastated. I'm so sorry for your loss, Heather, and I would take your pain in a heartbeat if I could. So I will continue to do what I have been doing. I will pray for you every night and ask God to hurry the healing yet I know He can't or won't speed up time because that's not in His purposes for you. Jer. 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I'm sure you're well familiar with this verse but it seems to fit the circumstances perfectly now. May God grant you peace, peace of mind and peace of heart. Peace to continue one day at a time. And to lean ever harder into His loving arms.

Blessings,
Marj
Calaveras County CA
http://gdlvr.blogspot.com

jaz said...

Heather,
Just checking in, and wow! You've been busy. I want you to know I still think of you and pray for you often.
Love,
Jamie in Oregon

Jessica NicDhòmhnaill said...

It looks like y'all are having a wonderful time in various states!! We are missing y'all so much already!

I'm praying for y'all as always! Hugs to all!

Love, Jessica

heartathome said...

I am no more than an occasional lurker but want you to know that I am praying for you. I cannot imagine the sorrow you are facing every second of the day and certainly won't even pretend to understand a gief I have never faced. But I will pray: May our mighty God carry you, simply carry you. May you miraculously find joy in the midst of grief, may the character of our great God be clearly seen by your children, may His strength truly be made perfect in your justified weakness. I am so very sorry for your huge loss, so very sorry. Thank you for choosing to trust the Lord even when you cannot possibly understand.
Love in Christ,
~ Ericka

Hooverslane said...

I'm living that same story each night as I lay down. I lost my husband in Oct. 2007.There was no indication the night previous that He would not wake in the am. Thank you for sharing. May the Lord Bless you. I have so blessed with the loss of Scott and yet so alone all together.
Faith in HIM,
Christy