I labeled this post "His Sovereign Will" to identify what I really believe. I trust in His will and know, through the gift of faith, that His will is perfect. I say all this up front so that there is no questioning where my loyalty lies as you read on.
Can you imagine getting into bed each night knowing that you will never sleep next to your spouse again?
Can you imagine never being able to hold hands or feel the warm touch of your spouse again? Can you imagine never being able to share your most intimate thoughts with your closest confidant?
Can you imagine never being able to tell or show this person how much you love him/her?
I couldn't before all of this happened and still am having a hard time grasping the finality of it all. Tonight is like every night. I climb into a lonely bed "communicating" with my computer and trying to get myself to the point of being so tired that I can do nothing but fall asleep. It doesn't work though. I try to snuggle up to the umpteen pillows I have surrounded myself with to give me the impression that I am not alone. This does not work either.
There is no escaping the fact that Eric is gone and he is not coming back. This is what makes me burst into tears each night. I am lonely and grieving over the loss of the companionship that Eric and I shared. I could tell him anything and he would accept my silly thoughts or funny notions. Where in the world will I find a man who will accept all my flaws like Eric did? Why did he have to die? Why didn't he call 911 earlier? Why am I left to take care of so many things? Why?
Tonight is like every other night. I question God's plan for my life. I don't want to be left behind. I want to be with Eric as he explores the new heaven and the new earth. I am already tired. But, this tired feeling does not get me any closer to sleeping. That only happens after the sobbing ends and I am reminded once again that "He has not left me nor forsaken me". And, when I go on about how this is too hard for me and why did He have to choose me I hear the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me that"He who began a good work in you will complete it".
I know that God is concerned with my grief as much as He understands my questions. I am so weak and yet He is so strong. Again I will say I don't understand but I trust.