Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

It's time for healing, time to move on,
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
It's time to find my way to where I belong

At Christmas last year Eric told us that the new Point of Grace song "How You Live" would be the Davis theme song for 2008. That song got a lot of mileage in our family. We used this song to remember Eric by. The kids and I used this song as a reminder of how we should live.

I have decided that the song playing in the sidebar, "Whatever You're Doing" , will be the theme song for 2009. It sums up what is going on in our lives at the moment. And, what I hope will continue to happen in our lives throughout the rest of this next year.

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something heavenly

I feel like I am headed into damage control territory with my kids. This past year has been filled with grief and really, just getting by. But, the challenge I am facing is that I need to be a mom. a mom who is still sad but has to move on. I need to find my way into the role of "head of the house". As I reflect on areas that I am weak and struggling I find that one of the biggest challenges is taking control of this family. I have six children who all have very unique personalities. They are all in very different stages of life. Eric and I were never content with just raising children who weren't doing drugs or getting pregnant. We wanted to raise children who would stand against the darkness. We wanted to raise children who loved the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength.
I have no desire to change what we have already started.
My first and foremost goal is to raise my children. And, since God has called me to do this as a single mom I have extra responsibilities but I must never lose sight of my first calling.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender


I am going to be very honest with you. I do not feel capable at all to fulfill this obligation I made twenty years ago when I gave birth to my first born. I thought it was hard enough to be a parent when I had the help of my husband. Now it seems like an unreasonable task to place upon any one person's shoulders. There are times when I feel utterly lost and wondering why God would ask me, as weak and selfish as I am, to do this alone. I would love an easy way out of this new life but I know full well that God has other plans.

This New Years Eve I spent the evening contemplating and praying about how I can, in this new year, make my family stronger.
I have come up with some very specific things that I am going to work on.
1. Taking a deep breath and praying before I explode in frustration.
My episodes of frustration usually are predicated by four or more children asking different things from me all at the same time. Or, my children not fulfilling the particular responsibility that I assigned to them giving me even more on my plate to accomplish.
2. Give grace to my children as they learn to fill their new positions in this family as helpers...help to clearly direct them in this new venture.
3. Give my children hugs every day.
Daisy was the one that made me see how important this was. She gives me a kiss every night. I asked her once why she was so insistent. She told me that she gave me a kiss every night because she didn't know if it would be the last time.
4. Give a specific job to each child to give me some relief.
Boo will probably help with the finances and meal planning. Goose has already taken over the responsibility of the outside, pool, and cars. Miss M is probably going to be assigned something that has to do with organizing-maybe photos, music, and books. Daisy might take on working with Lil' Cowboy's schooling.

Don't get me wrong here...I don't plan on just allowing these kids to take over or become pseudo parents, but rather I am going to try to take on the role of management. I have no training in this area and it is really out of my comfort zone but I believe that this is the one area that the Lord is calling me to grow this next year.
Eric did everything for me. I had a very cush life. As one friend told me, if the Lord gives me the chance to marry again I might not have a husband who
fills my gas tank or likes to do the finances.
I need to learn to be a bit more independent and self-sufficient. In the process I need to keep my family from growing apart.
I foresee a very hard year of growth ahead but anything of value takes work and this is truly worth working towards.

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

~Heather




9 comments:

Alesha said...

Heather, I'm truly inspired by your thought processes here. I can tell you have spent some serious time in prayer and thought, as you lead your family into this new year.

I have not experienced the loss that you have been through. However, I find myself anticipating loss. Does that make sense?

I'm really struggling with living today well, while not living in FEAR of what tomorrow might hold.

It's always been pretty easy for me to live a life of trust in finances, relationships, health issues for myself. But now with aging parents and my son with all of his medical issues (he's a special needs kiddo), I feel paralyzed some days with the fear of the losses that might come.

I'm sure you have faced the fear of additional loss this year. What helped you to move forward, regardless of what the future might hold?

Thanks for your transparency here.
Alesha

Vanderpolclan said...

Heather,
Thank you for your posts. I am amazed at the work God is doing in you, as He continues to uphold you and your family. The way you view things often makes me think - and that is a good thing. Wishing you and your family God's peace and strength for the year ahead.
Cindy in Canada

Karen said...

Heather,

I am continuing to pray for you and your family. If there is anything specific that I can pray for or do, please let me know.

blessings,
karen

Anonymous said...

Fabulous Heath'! So excited to see where the Lord led you last night as you sought His next step for you. The song is perfect too; so glad the Lord gave you that. I'm praying for you and am here to help every step of the way. I love you!

Lis'

sheep wanderer said...

Thank you for continuing to find the strength to write publicly. I continue to find added strength from reading what you write.

Love to you all from Great Britain!

Liz, UK.

Della said...

With God All things are possible... I live on that knowledge!

Maple Valley Moments said...

Hi, Heather
I don't know how I found your blog, I think from a link in someone else's blog. I am alarmed by the suffering you have experienced and totally amazed by your awesome faith! Thank you for sharing your story. Your honesty inspires us. Sincerely, Heidi in WA

godlover said...

One of the things I admire most about you, Heather, is the clarity with which you view your life and the life of your family. You have incredible strength. Certainly more than I have. But you have what it takes to step back and take a good, long look at your family. You see where it was in the past; where it is in the present; and where you want it to be in the future. You may not "feel like" you have this strength, but, boy! do you have strength. You are the perfect person to model life as it is and as it should be before your children. I so admire you and your strength and I admire your God who created you just the way you are. What an awesome God He is to create and continue to cultivate the Godly character and goals that He has placed in your mind, soul, spirit, body, and heart.Let me say it again. What an awesome God you have!!! And by God's design I share this same God. The only God. The Creator. The faithful provider. The heavenly Father. He makes alterations in our lives to make us more effective and fulfilled. He leads us by the hand through this life in order that we might share the next one with Him more fully. Everything we do now has eternal repercussions. I'm honored to have you in my life right now. I have learned so much from you. From how you live your life. From the decisions you make and the logic behind them. And from your personal and totally-committed way to live a life in union with Him ... The walk He takes you on and the life that He provides for you. You are in great hands, Heather, and I do wish I could view my own life with a mere fraction of the clarity with which you view your own. God has blessed you over and over again. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I just feel the need to say these things. I thought about you earlier today when I sat in the Social Security Office in Sonora where you too signed up for benefits. It was just a fleeting thought but I have those thoughts so often. You are an inspiration to me. You have been so open and so willing to travel this incredibly difficult path simply because He says so. For no other reason. Just because He says so. You have taught me soooo much about life; about church; about God. I see His faithfulness in every blog. I see His glory in every tear. I see His love in your every step. You have been such an incredible blessing to me. Thank you, Heather, for your obedience.
Marj

Matthew said...

Hi Mrs. D,
If you need help working out delegation and management, my mom is a born manager, and she most certainly could give you some tips.
Matt Mason