Thursday, March 12, 2009

Personal Pronouns

This is one of the biggest birthday months for our family.
Lil' Cowboy and Miss M both became a year older. My dad, sister, sister-in-law, and niece all have birthdays this month as well. March Madness? You will find it here!

In the midst of all the celebrating I learned a lesson in grammar. Personal pronouns...the we, you, us part of our lives. Those have changed for me.
I can no longer hand a gift to my child and say that it is from us. There is no more us. And, that is so hard to hear. I have been a we and us for the past twenty years!
I don't want to say the gift is from me but the reality is that it is from just me.

It is funny how little thoughts like these enter my mind at the craziest times. They don't trip me up and ruin my day as they use to. In fact, they are mildly amusing...I would have never thought that losing a husband could cause so much change in ones life. I mean it really is change to the core level of my being. Everything I have lived in the past twenty-some-odd-years is completely different. Consequently, my brain is filled with the small details of life. I think of all the unexpected detours that were not so unexpected to a sovereign God. A smirk sometimes flashes across my face when I think about how different my life looks right now compared to two years ago and yet I am the same person...just a bit wiser.

For all of you who very early on told me that someday the pain would subside and my heart would not be so were right. The heart is healing. I cry when I see his smile...I miss him so much BUT there is a peace knowing that he is incredibly happy and satisfied with his eternal life in Christ. I was his biggest supporter here on earth and I continue to support him by being happy for his reward.

Today as I was walking with Brown Sugar she asked if we could go to the park. I took a detour to the playground as Brown Sugar said "Mommy, daddy is going to meet us at the park right?".
I said without hesitation or even a lump in my throat "Daddy is in heaven he can't come to the park with us." She answered back "Well, I need a new daddy." She's right and we pray that the Lord will bring along some incredible man to fill this void in her life. I just smiled in gratitude as I realized that I had heard her words and hadn't cringed or broken down. God is good and the healer of all wounds.

I thank the Lord for not allowing me to wallow in my grief. I thank Him for giving me wisdom on how to grieve instead of creating unhealthy images (i.e. Eric is with us everywhere we go) and ideals. Most of all, I am thankful that Eric and I had an excellent relationship which, I believe, is the reason I am so emotionally healthy right now. I am so thankful the tears are so few at this point of life. I was beginning to wonder how anyone could have so many! Of course, this blog is an incredible help in my healing as well. What an incredibly tool God has used for His glory and for my good.
So, for now it's just me but hopefully, maybe it will be we again!


Camille S said...

A VERY happy birthday to Lil' Cowboy and Miss M!! Hope your special days are wonderful ones!!

Camille S.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog thanks for your honesty I needed this at my time of loss. You and your family are in my prayers

Sierra Elizabeth said...

Hey! I just wanted to quickly write a comment and say *Happy Birthday* to Miss M. and Lil' Cowboy! :) *hugs*