I avoid going to sleep every night because in the silence my mind starts thinking about my loss. Tonight was no exception. As the tears poured down my face I struggled with a desparate feeling of emptiness. I will never see or touch Eric again and I have no idea if the Lord has another man for my future life. Talk about trusting! I have no choice but to abandon myself to His perfect will.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I feel left behind. Eric has gone on to bigger and better things and I have been left back here on earth with an incredible sense of loneliness.
As you can see my grief is changing. Every morning I wake up and say "Great is THY faithfulness...morning by morning new mercies I see" but I feel "another day to have to deal with the reality that Eric is gone". My heart breaks.
In writing this I do not want to be a "downer". So many of you are praying for us and so I feel obligated to share how I feel so you know how to pray. These things are not easy to write.
One thing I am learning is to really trust God. On a different level. This is a spiritual battle that I am gearing up for. The thought of lonliness could easily take me down the path of idolatry...using things as the healer of my life rather than allowing God his rightful position. The act of purposely communicating and developing a "husband" relationship with Him is not easy and there are many distractions to keep me from this. To trust His will for my past, present, and future is big and needed for all believers. But, I must now trust Him to be my husband, my counselor, my "lover" if you will, my best friend. No distraction of an earthly husband now.
I have to actively pray and pray more.
As I find myself getting deeper and deeper into the greiving process (it is no longer if I am going to cry but when am I going to stop) I have to guard my heart and lean steadfastly on my Savior. And, guide the children down the same path. Exhausting! I am exhausted but hopeful.