Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Left Behind

I feel left behind. Eric has gone on to bigger and better things and I have been left back here on earth with an incredible sense of loneliness.

I avoid going to sleep every night because in the silence my mind starts thinking about my loss. Tonight was no exception. As the tears poured down my face I struggled with a desparate feeling of emptiness. I will never see or touch Eric again and I have no idea if the Lord has another man for my future life. Talk about trusting! I have no choice but to abandon myself to His perfect will.

As you can see my grief is changing. Every morning I wake up and say "Great is THY faithfulness...morning by morning new mercies I see" but I feel "another day to have to deal with the reality that Eric is gone". My heart breaks.
In writing this I do not want to be a "downer". So many of you are praying for us and so I feel obligated to share how I feel so you know how to pray. These things are not easy to write.
One thing I am learning is to really trust God. On a different level. This is a spiritual battle that I am gearing up for. The thought of lonliness could easily take me down the path of idolatry...using things as the healer of my life rather than allowing God his rightful position. The act of purposely communicating and developing a "husband" relationship with Him is not easy and there are many distractions to keep me from this. To trust His will for my past, present, and future is big and needed for all believers. But, I must now trust Him to be my husband, my counselor, my "lover" if you will, my best friend. No distraction of an earthly husband now.
I have to actively pray and pray more.
As I find myself getting deeper and deeper into the greiving process (it is no longer if I am going to cry but when am I going to stop) I have to guard my heart and lean steadfastly on my Savior. And, guide the children down the same path. Exhausting! I am exhausted but hopeful.
~Lazyd

23 comments:

DeniseinSC said...

Keep crying, give those tears to Christ over and over....you WILL make it!
Psalm 126:5-6
5 Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
6 He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.

Love, Denise

Mrs. Jeannie Mitchell said...

Dear Heather,
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you..I Chronicles 28:20. Loneliness, even when you are surrounded by people is a very real, devastating, feeling especially in the middle of the night. I've had friends who have lost their mates, suddenly, and they had trouble and couldn't get out of bed some days. But, the Lord gave them comfort even in the midst of it as you have experienced. You are doing a incredible job, look at the faces of your children and that will keep you going even when the sorrow is sooo strong. We are praying for you continually.
Love,
Jeannie

Mountain Mama said...

Crying with you. Praying for you.

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

ashley

Jennifer said...

Thank you, Heather! I appreciate the updates and knowing how you are truly doing. I am a firm believer in not hiding what is really going on. I have found, for me, that when I do try to hide what is really going on inside of me, Satan somehow manages to use it to start feeding lies to me. Lies that I am ready to listen to at that point. By being honest and staying real with God and those that I trust around me, I feel that Satan is powerless.

Thanks for sharing, it does help us know how to pray!

Love you!

Jennifer

The Reed's Adoption Journey said...

Heather,
oh to have half of your strength and courage. I feel in ways so weak and whimping when i feel so...overwhelmed with (in comparision) my small struggles. I feel your words are meant just for me. Thank you for your continued open heart and faith.

Stacy said...

Praying for you, Heather.

~Stacy

dp23 said...

Heather

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and fears and tears. I know just how you feel (see http://23gr.blogspot.com/).

More importantly, so does the Lord - Who has loved you with an everlasting love, has given Himself for you, Who has promised never to leave you nor forsake you, and Who has a purpose in every season of trial and heartbreak to strengthen your relationship with Him.

I know that all the blog-comments and prayer-buzzer bleeps are a comfort and an encouragement sometimes. I get the impression that you have a very supportive church family too - which is as it should be. But it is the Lord Who is to be your Refuge and Fortress, your God in Whom you trust (Ps 91:2)- so continue to cast your burden tearfully on Him, Who is your ever-present help in trouble, even in the night seasons. You will then prove (and then testify to) His love and His faithfulness.

Praying for you and your family,
David

RachelMac said...

Thank you, once again, for your transparency. We continue to lift you up in prayer many times every day.
The McCall family in Idaho

Laurie said...

Tears are so healing for the heart and soul, and at this time there will be rivers. Praying for your broken heart every day here, asking God to gently lead you through this valley. God knows how much this hurts and gives you all of the time you need to get through it. You are not a downer to anyone who reads your heart here. It lets us know where prayer is needed the most. Exhausted but hopeful, bless your heart.

Love, Laurie in So. Ca.

Quinne said...

Hi :) Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly so that we can pray specifically for you and with you. Love to you, Q

Tom Davis said...

Heather, I stumbled on our blog thinking a friend of yours linked mine, I'm a Davis. I've been reading what has happened in your family and about your incredible loss. Please know my family, and I are praying for you, intensely. We adopted as well, I wrote a book on families and adoption, so I'm praying for your kids through this process. God's richest grace rest on all of you. - Tom Davis

Texas Blessed said...

Dear Heather,
We continue to pray for you individually and as a family. I thought of you tonight as was singing this verse in the covenanter psalter "Cast thou thy burden on the LORD, and He shall thee sustain; YesHe makes sure that still unmoved the righteous shall remain." Ps. 55:22

And in Matthew Henry's Commentary on Genesis 49, again I was reading and thought of you, dear Heather. "These words of Jacob furnish us with comfort in reference to the death of our friends; they die, but God shall be with us, and His gracious presence is sufficient to make up the loss; they leave us, but he shall never fail us. Further, He will bring us to the land of our fathers, the heavenly Canaan, wither our godly fathers have gone before us. If God be with us while we stay behind in this world, and will receive us shortly to be with those that have gone before unto a better world, we ought not to sorrow as those that have not hope." May this encourage you in the days ahead. Thank you for sharing and being honest with your struggles. There are many praying for you, and most of all your Intercessor is ever before the Father supplicating Him on your behalf.

Melissa said...

I have been silently reading since your beloved Husbands passing. To me you are one of the strongest people I have ever "met". I know that your strength comes from the power of God! I pray that you continue to grow in this time and never hesitate to let the tears flow, your feelings have to come out one way or another.

kymk99 said...

Heather,

God has given you great strength, but you are allowed to grieve for your loss. We continue to pray for you here, although I must admit, we don't always remember to call the beeper. Kelsey, every night, asks that we pray for your family and that God gives all of you His comfort.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help out in any way.

Yvonne :o)

Carolyn said...

Praying for you and your children. Thank you for your words.

CristyLynn said...

Praying for you!

Beth said...

Thank you for sharing. I am continuing to pray for you and your kids. I found this verse yesterday that I thought I would share. It was very encouraging to me: "...your right hand supports me, and your gentleness makes me great." ~ Psamls 18:35 Another translation says, "you stoop down to make me great." I just picture our Heavenly Father on one knee, bending down to meet you where you are. May you feel Him so much more everyday that goes by.

Love~Beth

jensteigman said...

Heather and crew,

you are on our hearts and in our prayers. I ache for you in my heart, everytime I think of you.....wow to someday look back on this and see the beauty of His purpose and plan.....someday. My prayer through this is that you deeply discover the "Lover" of your soul, the One who who so delights in you, his precious Bride. I went through an amazing study on the song of songs, with the perspective of you the individual, the bride of Christ, and Him your beloved. Perhaps someday it may be helpful? We continue to pray.... hope to come visit in June/early July? lots of love to you and the kids...Cousins Jen, Pete, Kai, Connor, Hanna, Isaac, and Noah

Sue said...

Heather,

I don't know exactly what to say, but I am praying for you and I am so sorry you're having to go through this. May God keep you strong.

Sue

felmleyfam said...

praying for you and yes it is so good to know how to pray specifically for you. thank you for sharing your heart.


Psa 37:23 The steps of a [good] man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.
Psa 37:24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth [him with] his hand.

This hymn reminds me of our inheritance in Christ; your future and Eric's present presence!!!

THE RIVER OF THY GRACE

“The exceeding riches of His grace.” Ephesians 2:7


Words: Paul Rad­er, 1916.

Music: Ar­thur W. Mc­Kee (MI­DI, score).
[Paul Rader (1878-1938)]
Paul Rader (1878-1938)

The river of Thy grace is flowing free,
We launch upon its depths to sail to Thee;
In the ocean of Thy love we soon shall be,
We are sailing to eternity.

Refrain

Earthly joys cannot compare with all the glory,
When our longing eyes shall see Thy face;
We shall have Thy fellowship forever,
In the splendor of the throne of grace.

The breezes of Thy love are blowing free,
They tell Thy love to all humanity;
They are singing of the blood of Calvary,
Making white through all eternity.

Refrain

Thy Spirit calls to all, “Come home today”;
Come back and find the Savior while you may;
Find that Jesus is the Life, the Truth, the Way,
Leading, guiding to eternity.

Refrain

All 8 of Us said...

Heather,
I am still praying for you and think of you and your precious children often throughout the day. Keep holding onto Jesus as you are doing already.
Blessings,kathi

Rebecca said...

Heather, I read this this morning and thought of you....

"It seems to me tht the noisy pandemonium of this world is exploding all around us like cannon volleys. We are desparate to be hugged, to be rescued, to be home safe. We are shouting through our panic, Hurry! Hurry!

What is the frightening noise in your life?

Is it the noise of cancer, divorce, rejection, discouragement, depression, loneliness, or something so terrible it shouts but remains unnamed? Whatever is pounding loudly in your mind, your body, your soul, let me be your balcony person. Let me hug you with my words. Let me wallpaper your soul to mine. Let me encourage you to sing God's song, and let me remind you that the song in you is His idea.

Hear me when I say the apostle Paul did not lie when he wrote, 'Long ago, even before He made the world, God chose us to be His very own.' You and I are His children. I believe in you. I'm leaning way, way over your balcony railing; I'm waving my coat above my head, and I'm yelling above the frightening noises of your world, 'I love you! I believe in you and your abilities! You can do it! Keep at it. Keep on! God chose you before He made the world, and you know what? He's here beside me; yes that's right, He's here, and He's not sitting down. You are His child, He is your Father. His coat is off too and we are both in your balcony cheering you on together."

Joyce Landorf Heatherly - Balcony People

Mama2fiveblessings said...

I continue to pray for you and your children and weep as I read your heartfelt posts. Thank you for sharing your heart and for being an inspiration as you cling to the Lord in this trial. You are a blessing.
Tiffany