Every morning when I wake up there is a moment or two that I have no concerns, no sadness, no worries. Then I realize that the past eleven weeks has not been a dream but reality.
At this point in my grieving I find that about every other day I can shake off the feeling of dread and get some things accomplished around the house. I even feel rather hopeful and positive about the future. Then there are the days inbetween where I just don't seem to be able to get out of bed. It's not a hopelessness that keeps me there but rather a sadness that engulfs me.
If I were to stand on the outside looking in I would have to imagine that a relationship of twenty-two years is going to leave a mark on the person who is left behind. Standing on the inside looking out I am finally able to see that this truly is a remarkable path that the Lord has placed before me. This is no ordinary thing that has happened so I must admit I am amazed that I even have good days.
I was having a conversation with Goose, my 17 year old son about his dad's death and the impact on our family. He kept saying that he did not understand why God would take his dad away and why God was asking him to grow up so fast. In fact, he just plain said he could not do it...become a man so soon and take on such big responsibilities. The words that I gave him were from my heart. They are what I eat, drink, and breath right now...when I am weak, HE is strong. There are no mistakes in God's economy. He didn't just wake up one day and say "Oh my, Eric died. Now how did that happen?" Instead He ordained the days of Eric's life before the foundation of the world. He knew that I would be a widow at the age of 40. He knew that Goose would be fatherless at the age of 17. He knew that we would learn valuable lessons that would draw us closer as a family and closer to Him. How could we ask for anything more? But, we do. Every single one of us in the Davis household has asked why. David asked why and yet in the next breath he praised the God of the universe.
His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in His power the weak become strong
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect
It is His power that we lean on each and every day. On the bad days His strength is perfect as I find myself weakened by grief forcing myself to read the Word and to thank God for the many blessing He has given me. On the good days it is His strength that enables me to accomplish so much.
If there is one lesson learned well during this time it will have been that He is faithful to be my strength when I lean on Him.
His Strength is Perfect was written by Steven Curtis Chapman