Thursday, August 14, 2008

I Just Don't Want To

Please bear with me.

"...Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out the word of life..." (Phil.2)

Here comes the BUT! Buuuuutttt, I just don't want to keep walking this path that the Lord has set before me. I am utterly weary, exhausted, and overwhelmed by life right now. I look at the pictures of Eric and I miss his stability, his decision making, his rock-solid beliefs, his ability to take care of us.
There are issues that most of you do not know about. For instance, we have an insurance company that just does not want to pay even though we have solid evidence that shows they are responsible to do so. I have a bank that is not willing to work with me or the gentleman that is helping me with my finances. I still have a lot of financial decisions looming over me and paperwork to wrap up on the business that we just sold. Add to that the need to get my house in order, training little ones, and begin a new school year and you can imagine my feelings of being overloaded.
I tell you all of this not to complain but for you to understand the pressures that a single woman faces daily. I understand that in some cases my situation is by far better than the average single mother. I have a house, a church family, and no regrets. I do not have to work outside the home and I do not have bitter custody battles to contend with. But, I do have sorrow and loneliness. My dreams of living sixty years or more with one man have been dashed and the love of my life is now living in glory as my brother in Christ. This is reality for me...and not an easy one to live with at the moment.
We memorized James 1 many years ago and this verse continues to come back to me over and over again including the moment I started to write this blogspot.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I am trying to be honest to the many that are still following our journey. I do not lack faith. I do not lack wisdom. I lack nothing for this trial I am going through. But, I am a frail human who sometimes just wants to give up and give in. I want the easy way out....not sure what that would be but it sounds good right now.


homeskoolmom5883 said...

This has got to be one of, the hardest roads one could face on this earth. To be happily married, (esp. in this day when so many are not), with a wonderful family, to lose your life partner so early in life. To be left with all the responsibility that you don't want to have, and to know that this is just the beginning of the journey without him.
I'm certain it is overwhelming most of the time. And I know you are resting in your Heavenly Father's care, but since the Heavenly Father doesn't have "skin" on so to speak, his "help" isn't practical hands on, going to the bank and the insurance company and clearing up the issues.

I remember the words to a child's song about bear taking a trip through the forest.
Can't go over it, Can't go under it, Have to go through it... Oh Heather... I so wish there was an easier way. Not sleeping very well can't be helping either. Have you tried some melatonin?

We're still praying for you!

Mountain Mama said...

Keep the faith! Fight the fight! The loss of your best friend must be so difficult. Remember that whether if feels like it or not Gods love attends every moment of our lives -even the hardest, lonliest, most painful and desperate. And through these times He will grow you up into a compassionate, patient, strong woman who brings glory to Him.

We will continue to pray for you and your precious family.

Mitchell said...

I stumbled to your blog back when you husband was having episodes of not feeling well. I have hung around and witnessed a very godly woman dealing with LIFE. I so want you and your family to come through these trials professing all Christ has done. I want to see God providing all your needs and being a husband to you and a father to your children. I pray often for you. I find it very encouraging for you to be so real, yet always naming the name of Christ. I can't even imagine all you do deal with, but you make me believe my God is big enough to carry me through. You are quite an inspiration. Thank you!


~ LHP ~ said...

I have no words of wisdom, but know I am praying for you and your family!!!

Vanderpolclan said...

I, too, came across you blog when you husband was not feeling well, and have visited it since. You are an encouragement to me, as a godly woman, seeking the Lord's will in all of life, depending on Him when all seems lost. We are praying for you and your family, praying for His peace and comfort daily. Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles. May you be given strength for each new day.

Cindy in Canada

AmyR said...

(((((Heather)))) We stand in the gap with you my dear sister in Christ. I'm so thankful that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, but it sure feels like that sometimes. I'm so glad you are surrounded by your children and your church there anyone there who could step in and help with this financial situation? There are just some folks that the Lord has blessed with this gift...and without the cloud of grieving above them, they may be able to see things clearly. We'll continue to pray for your family. Standing with you,

runninggal said...

Hi Heather

Your blog is an amazing testimony to God's faithfulness. I pray for you and check in regularly now that I have "met" you on line. Amazingly, you have family in Central oregon and I live in Redmond, OR. I'd love to take you to lunch someday and figure out some way to tangibly support you.

I wonder if I knew your cousin Eric? How did he die (if I may ask.). is my email.

Julie from Central oregon ("runninggal")

godlover said...

It must feel like one hole to fall into after another. The devil puts them there to try and trip you. So glad you have someone helping you. I will need to lean heavily on another if my spouse goes before I do. And that's quite possible being as how he is 16 years older than I. I keep putting myself in your place and find it devastating. Just today the coolant fan went out on the car so that's one more obstacle to deal with. I thank God I have someone with whom to share those burdens. Guess I'll have to sacrifice my wig money for the part and hopefully I can get my grandson to put it in for me. (wig money: I had an allergic reaction to a haircare product and it got infected and all my hair fell out and my sister gave me some money so I could buy myself a couple wigs.) Oh well, the car is more important by far. You can't live up here without transportation because there's nothing in the way of public transportation available.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all these hassles but then, God never promised us smooth sailing, only that He would accompany us. But that's plenty! I still pray for you and your family every day. I'd like to be able to say only the first year hurts but I can't say that. Take care, Heather, and hang in there.


Quinne said...

Hi Heather :) Sending you hugs today! Praying for you and trusting the Father with you. Love, Q

Kelly said...

Heather I have no words for you...but I can and do pray for you often. So I will with the others continue to stand in the gap for you and help you as best we can...

Exodus 17:12 But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.

In the love of Christ,

Beth said...

Still reading and still praying.

The Mom said...

Still reading and praying, in London, England.

I hope the insurance issues are sorted soon; I know the real issues only God can help you with.

But you have love and prayer from here. Don't lose hope, sister. I don't know you in real life, and probaby never will; but I know the same Lord and God.

Rodeo4Christ said...

Our entire church was praying for your husband... My heart grieves with you dear sister. May the Lord show you light and sunshine in the valley of shadows. ...Praying for you!

All 8 of Us said...

I continue to check in and pray for you and your dear children. I am so sorry you are walking this path right now. Right now I am watching 2 other friends walk through a very similar situation-losing their husbands while they were still quite young and healthy. My heart hurts for all of you. What a comfort to know He is altogether wise and sovereign even when it doesn't look or feel that way.
I appreciate your honesty...thank you for sharing and letting us help to hold up your arms in the battle by praying for you.
Kathi (aoh mom)

ROSIE said...

Dear Heather,

We continue to pray for you all here, too. I know it must be utterly overwhelming. Praise God that He is faithful and greater than uncooperative insurance agencies and banks. As to the insurance agency, it may be time to engage the services of a Godly attorney, if you haven't already. It is amazing sometimes what a little pressure from one can do to get people to do the right thing. Please understand I'm not litigious at all. I just mean that there are Godly attorneys who can take some of the stress of dealing directly with these folks off of you, and get them to do what is right.

Big hugs to you, sister. Wish I could serve you some homemade cinnamon raisin bread and a cup of tea.