On January 25th I said good-bye to Eric as he walked out the door with Daisy to go finish some work. I had no idea that this would be the last time I would kiss him, get a hug from him, or get to see his infamous smile.
The visual of walking into the hospital and seeing him lying on the gurney keeps flooding back to me. I remember a long ago friend having to go to the hospital and identify her husband who had been in a car accident. I could only imagine the scene she saw and I had prayed over and over again that God would not allow me the same traumatic experience. He did allow it and I have survived....yet there is a part of me that weeps at the thought. Oh how I wish for one more moment. He knew I loved him. I knew he loved me. I need no assurances of this but if only I could touch him one more time. I miss him.
I have heard that the fifth and sixth month are the hardest. Because Eric had gone out on a few six month cruises with the military I believe that my head had not caught up with my heart. It has continued to catch up the past couple of weeks. I feel immobilized by my sorrow. As the world around me proceeds I feel so alone in this journey. Well, alone in the earthly sense. I continue to feel the Lord's presence and continue to seek His face.
His Word is the light unto my path.
I am amazed at how many of the songs that we sing as a family and a church community direct us back to our immortality and remind us of God's provision. Each week I am stunned by the words that now come to the forefront because of the tragedy that I have experienced. But, unlike Saul, I find relief in the words. They make me cry (sometimes uncontrollably) but they also calm my heart as I reflect on God's greatness and my need for His sustainability.
I try to allow my feelings to be ever flowing on this blog. I can't tell you everything but I hope that the words that I do write will be a testament to God's mighty hand and also a help to those who might come in contact with them. I also try to end each blog with as much encouragement as I can muster. I need...and I mean NEED my Savior. I can not live life without Him. I hope you get that message which is even more important than my emotions.
The visual of walking into the hospital and seeing him lying on the gurney keeps flooding back to me. I remember a long ago friend having to go to the hospital and identify her husband who had been in a car accident. I could only imagine the scene she saw and I had prayed over and over again that God would not allow me the same traumatic experience. He did allow it and I have survived....yet there is a part of me that weeps at the thought. Oh how I wish for one more moment. He knew I loved him. I knew he loved me. I need no assurances of this but if only I could touch him one more time. I miss him.
I have heard that the fifth and sixth month are the hardest. Because Eric had gone out on a few six month cruises with the military I believe that my head had not caught up with my heart. It has continued to catch up the past couple of weeks. I feel immobilized by my sorrow. As the world around me proceeds I feel so alone in this journey. Well, alone in the earthly sense. I continue to feel the Lord's presence and continue to seek His face.
His Word is the light unto my path.
I am amazed at how many of the songs that we sing as a family and a church community direct us back to our immortality and remind us of God's provision. Each week I am stunned by the words that now come to the forefront because of the tragedy that I have experienced. But, unlike Saul, I find relief in the words. They make me cry (sometimes uncontrollably) but they also calm my heart as I reflect on God's greatness and my need for His sustainability.
I try to allow my feelings to be ever flowing on this blog. I can't tell you everything but I hope that the words that I do write will be a testament to God's mighty hand and also a help to those who might come in contact with them. I also try to end each blog with as much encouragement as I can muster. I need...and I mean NEED my Savior. I can not live life without Him. I hope you get that message which is even more important than my emotions.
6 comments:
Every day of your grief, Heather, has been written down. You will not grieve one day more than He says you ought. You are forever in my prayers.
Marj
http://gdlvr.blogspot.com
Dear Heather
Could I recommend a most precioius book to add to your reading list
"Night of Weeping" - When God's children suffer by Horatius Bonar - (A minister in the Free church of Scotland in the nineteenth century. )It has blessed my soul beyond measure at times of deepest sorrow. I am sure it will you also. If you cannot get it let me know and I shall post it on to you. "It is on earth that He expects to get glory from us, glory such as angels cannot give, glory such as we shall not be able to give hereafter. It is here that we are to preach to angels;it is here we are to show to them what a glorious God is ours. Our whole life below is given us for this. But it is especially in sorrow and under infirmity that God looks for glory from us. What a God-honouring thing to see a struggling, sorrowing child of earth cleave fast to God, calmly trusting in Him, happy and at rest in the midst of storm and suffering! What a spectacle for the hosts of heaven! Now, then, is the time for the saints to give glory to the Lord their God. Let them prize affliction as the very time and opportunity for doing so most of all. Let them use such a season well. And oh, what consolation to think that affliction is really such a season! Ah surely it is one which an angel might covet, which an archangel would gladly stoop to were that possible! They can glorify God much in Heaven amid its glory and blessedness, but oh, not half so much as we can on earth amid suffering and shame!"
Angela
Heather,
Your faith is coming through loud and clear!
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Alesha
www.xanga.com/akconklin
God works in such mysterious ways. My friends lost their baby 2months ago yesterday.
http://groverteam22.blogspot.com
I need...and I mean NEED my Savior. I can not live life without Him. I hope you get that message which is even more important than my emotions.
I want you to know HEATHER that it is loud and clear in every post who you cling to. It's amazing. I read every single post - like my daily devotional.
Someday I will meet you and hug you!
From Central Oregon again,
Julie
www.runninggalinsights.blogspot.com
I've followed your blog for awhile now, praying for you & your family. I unfortunately don't have any great words of wisdom to make sense of your great loss or to even just ease the heaviness of your heart. I heard this song the other day and after reading this post, thought I would share:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=efdf574eb7956c2d2a18
I got this from godtube - Held, by Natalie Grant. This particular video also has the lyrics beside the video clip.
We'll continue to pray for you & your kiddos.
Jennifer W.
Oregon
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