Words can not Express the Grief...

I am feeling at this moment. I got a call this evening from my sister and she had that tone of dread in her voice. "I have something to tell you Heather". I just knew someone had died but in the split second I was figuring out how I would react if she was about to tell me it was my Grandfather or if it was my Dad.
Instead she told me that my cousin died. Zach (34) has left behind his wife Amy and their two little sons. His Dad and Mom are so dear to me as is the rest of his family. I can not even explain the deep grief that I felt at that moment. "What?" is about all that came out of my mouth. The tears began to pour and turned into uncontrollable sobs as I was taken back six months to the moment that I saw Eric lying in the ER. All I could think is what is God thinking? Isn't one death enough in a family? Why?
I know the answers to my questions. God is sovereign. He determines every man's breath. This was no surprise to Him. What comfort and yet what pain. There was even a bit of jealousy as I realized that Zach was now in the presence of God with my Eric. I want to be there...I want to share the incredible experience of heaven with Eric. This was a fleeting thought though as my heart broke for Amy. She called me tonight about an hour after Zach was pronounced dead. We talked and cried. I so wish that I could have been there to just hold her. Somehow having someone hold you that knows what you are going through seems rather comforting.

I know what to say and yet I know that words will not sooth the soul right now. It is all about being there, doing, listening, crying. So, that is what I am going to do. Tomorrow we were already planning on taking Daisy and Miss M to the airport for their trip to Grandparents in WA. The rest of us will just keep driving. My whole family lives in Central Oregon and so I will get to be with them all and hopefully encourage them as they walk this very dark valley.

I do have a few prayer requests for you....

• please pray that the Lord would give me the right words and the ability to comfort Amy.
• please pray for my Grandparents who do not understand why they have not been taken to heaven and yet two of their young grandchildren have.
  
• please pray for safe travels
• please pray for my strength. This obviously is coming at me at a very raw stage of my own grief. I know I am called to be there for Amy and I am compelled to obey.
  

I was at Lisa's house this evening when we got the news. We were talking about how this grief is a lot like labor. When you are in the midst of it you just don't want to do it, it hurts, but you are compelled to continue because...well, you have no other choice. There is something good on the other side of the pain. She asked me what was the good that I see on the other side of this pain that I am enduring. My answer is written all over my heart...the good is the sanctification I am receiving. It is becoming more like Christ. That is the end result we are all suppose to desire. The path is what I struggle against and yet find myself compelled to walk down. I pray that I can clearly explain this to my family.
~Lazyd