Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sitting in the Valley

The valley I am currently walking through reminds me a lot of the valley that Christian encounters in Pilgrim's Progress. There are moments in this valley when all seems dark and quiet. There are other moments when it is filled with smoke and every step seems to lead me perilously close to the flames surrounding the path.
Would I choose another way? You bet! Could I learn the valuable lessons this path is bound to teach me by passing on this path and taking another? No. I know that this is one of the "various trials" that Paul is talking to James about. He goes on to say that this testing of our faith develops endurance. Paul goes on to tell him to "let this endurance have its perfect result". He is actually telling him to let it happen. Let the endurance that you are learning through this trial have its way in your life. And, that perfect result? Being complete and perfect, lacking in nothing. But, even so, I must admit that in my human frailty and lack of spiritual vision I would much rather not have to live through this trial.
Being complete and perfect and lacking in nothing really is a glimpse of our eternal life. The endurance that we give way to on this earth is preparing us for eternity.

I don't plan on changing course but I have decided to sit awhile on the path. I am still enduring but hardly moving. The pain is just overwhelming and so I am not struggling against it but rather embracing it (ugh...that sounds!). I will tell you that the pain I feel today, at this moment, is by far, the worst heart pain I have ever felt. And, the tears just keep falling.
I am still hopeful that this dealing with the sorrow and pain right here and now will mean one step closer to an emotionally healthy person who is ready to move to the next step in life when the Lord allows. I say this so that you know and understand that I do not mean that sitting down entails doing nothing. I will not allow myself to wallow in self-pity but rather work through the grief that has been set before me.
And, I mention all this as a sort of apology for not posting earlier. I have been inundated with grief this past week and physically not feeling well. Added to this is a load of responsibility that I am overwhelmed by at the moment. I am grateful for all of your prayers.


heartathome said...

Heather, I will pray. As you "sit", I will pray. Thank you for sharing...

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you... and brings me to my knees in prayer. The words of comfort that are "traditional" and automatic seem empty and hollow. So, I know that the Lord would simply have us to lift you in prayer and cry with you.

RachelMac said...

We continue to think of you, pray for you and grieve with you.
The McCall Family in Idaho

Erik Wait said...

As Goose and I were traveling through Lodi a few weeks back we stopped to take a gander at some 100+ year Old Vine Zinfandel. We contrasted the gnarly vines that look like arthritic hands to the younger ones just across the road. They have weathered the test of time, persevered through the prohibition, frost, drought, the phylloxera disease.... you name it.

Grape vines aren’t like tomatoes that produce the best fruit in easy-growing fertile soil. Quality grapes (and wine) only come from vines that have had to persevere through tough soil and tough weather.

I’ve been going through my own private hell over the past year, but I’m convinced that it is because the Lord wants us to not just produce fruit... but quality fruit... that will benefit future generations, just like the zinfandel that the 49ers planted when they couldn’t make their fortune in gold.

They planted in tough times and we’re reaping the benefits.

You’re in my prayers, always.


godlover said...

As painful as it is, grief will not be hurried. The lessons we learn through our grief require time. It is good to sit. Not sit and do nothing. But to sit and learn. The Holy Spirit is forming in you a new person in the image of Christ. That is His task; that is our honor ... To suffer like Christ and be formed in His image. You are in my prayers always, Heather, you and your children.

anika said...

still praying for you.... just a sister in illinois :)
<>< nika