Monday, October 12, 2009

I Will Never Leave You...

nor forsake you...
These words are found in Deuteronomy 31:8. Here is the whole verse...
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."

As I was walking the other day I had a moment of fear enter my heart. I had a feeling I would deal with fear at some point. The thought that caused the fear was "what if I lose Phil as well!". I very well could. I am not promised that I will never suffer again just because I endured this present suffering.
In my weakness I cried out to Him and told Him that I'm just not sure I could say good-bye to another husband. The next moment proved to be a better one as I realized how silly it was for me to "confess" my inability. In all reality, the only reason why I am enduring is because I am leaning....leaning on Him who enables me to continue.
The comforting part of the above verse is that He will NEVER leave me.
He will NEVER forsake me.
He will NEVER disappoint me.
He will ALWAYS be there with me.
I understand and trust these words so much more because I have seen the faithfulness of my God...the One, True, Living God who created the Universe and yet cares for even me!

~~~~

Yesterday was a low one for me. I had a hard time pinpointing what it really was that caused me to cry...and cry some more. It wasn't the weather, it wasn't hormones.
Finally, I was willing to admit that I just plain missed Eric.
I think I had a hard time admitting this because I did not want to diminish, in any way, the love that I have for Phil. But, the fact is I was intimately involved with Eric for twenty years. He was my best friend and when best friends go away you miss them.
In no way does this change my relationship with Phil. In fact, I love him all the more as he showed great kindness and care for me last night. He could tell I was struggling and so he listened as I talked through my emotions. He has, in a short amount of time, become my closest friend and confidant. He prayed for me and then decided to cut short our conversation (which usually lasts about three hours every night!) so that I could get some rest. Crying is quite the physical activity!
After a good night's sleep I woke to a new day, a very stormy day. I decided to take my walk anyway and just let the rain pour over me. As the rain cleans the air and replenishes the earth so also do tears clean and replenish the soul.
~Heather

5 comments:

Genealogy Joanie said...

This post makes me love and respect you even more, Heather. Thanks for being so vulnerable and open, for sharing your heart. God has blessed Phil more than he could have ever asked or thought.

thetysonfamily said...

What a woman! What a man! What a journey! WHAT A GOD!!!

Lindsay

Nan said...

In my recent experience I can say, suffering does many things to a person. While on the one hand it makes us trust more than we would have otherwise, thereby building our faith. On the other hand the despair and grief we feel in suffering is full of hope, even when it does not *feel* hopeful, because it makes us despise suffering and know that this was not how it was originally meant to be before Adam ate the fruit of that tree. It makes us somewhat afraid of what else we may have to endure before the day when all things are set to rights but it also gives us assurance that that day is coming. And it also makes us able to love better those who are suffering. That's more than two things though isn't it?

Deborah said...

Heather,

Your comments about Phil listening with compassion and then giving good counsel (go to bed and get some rest!) shows you just how much love he has for you. I would venture to guess that it isn't a high-volume of men with the confidence to not feel threatened by your tears.

What a testimony as you walk the words: "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms!!"

Blessings to you,
Deborah

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