Monday, January 25, 2010

A Heart Full of Grief

Two years ago today I felt a deep, sinking feeling.
Like no other feeling that I had ever encountered before.

I remember walking into the ER and thinking "Here we go again".
It had only been two months since Eric's last hospital visit.
The confusing part was that the Doctor, during Eric's previous stay, said that he would continue to struggle in this way but it would probably be every couple of years...not every couple of months.
But, I knew, as soon as the chaplain came out to greet me that something was terribly wrong.
I can't even try to explain the feelings that surged through my body.

Those feelings have come back with a vengeance.
Last year at this time I seemed to sail through the anniversary of Eric's death with just a few tears. This year is a much different story. There have been a couple of days this past month where the pain has been as deep as that first few months after Eric's death.
The haze is gone.

I have never felt alone on this journey.
I have always known a peace that passes all understanding.
I have known an amazing nearness to my Creator...the Defender of the widow.
And, now He has given me a physical shoulder to cry on.
Phil has been incredibly kind and understanding...
lending me open arms and heart felt sympathy.

Today I conquered a giant. A giant that I was not able to conquer a week ago. Last Monday I attempted to visit a sweet little girl that has been in the ICU. She is the daughter of one of my closest friends. I broke down while I was there (thankfully she was asleep) and then broke down all the more in the lobby.
I have broken down quite a few times over the past month...sobbing.
I seem to be continually on the verge of tears.
On this day I sat in that little girls room and ate lunch with my friend. I was able to choke down the tears and enjoy the satisfaction that I had conquered another fear.
The first phone call I made was to Phil.
I had to share with him what I had just done.
It was after that phone call that I had an epiphany.
It is a great gift to have a shoulder to lean on. I am very thankful for the godly man that He has given me.
But, the journey I have been on and continue on is something I must do on my own.
Phil can't face the fears for me. He can't take the grief from me.
But, Jesus KNOWS the fears and He KNOWS the grief.
My Intercessor faces the fears with me and He heals my pain.

If there be one lesson to learn from this past two years it would be that it is a must to cast your cares on Him alone....and then welcome the love that He allows you to have for those who help you as you walk the path of grief.

I have a few more "giants" to face this week. It will be an emotionally draining week. It is nice to know that each step leads to a bit more healing. He is faithful, faithful indeed!

By the way, the song playing while you are reading this post is from one of my favorite songwriters and performers. If you have not heard of Sara Groves please take a listen to the few songs that I have on my playlist. I promise you will be blessed by the beautiful, convicting lyrics that she writes. This particular song is my theme song.


Here to Serve Him... said...


What a blessing and inspiration it is to read and "experience" the journey that our sweet Jesus has had you on. It's a blessing and an encouragement to watch Him carry you through the valley of all valleys. It's a reminder of how richly faithful our Maker, Redeemer and Saviour of our souls is! It's assuring to me to hear how you have learned to lean on Christ and Christ alone...friends are great but there is only one Jesus...the keeper of our souls! I too have gone through some situations in the past 2-3 years where God REQUIRED me to lay all other relationships aside so that I could fully depend on Him!

You are in my prayers as you face the fears/giants before you! I am confident that the Lover of your soul will equip you with the power and courage that you need, for He lives within you! :o)

Blessings to you this day~

SpringMeadowsMama said...

Thank you for continuing to share as you walk through this journey. For two years now I have followed your blog and hope one day to meet you face to face. You have shown me how one has walked through great grief being upheld by the Lord, not minimizing the grief, but receiving grace to walk through it. And then to see the Lord bless you with Phil has been so wonderful. And as you continue your journey your Heavenly Husband will sustain you and uphold you. May you find extra strength and grace to lean upon Him these next few days.

Jenny Ervin

da halls said...

Heather, I always appreciate your transparency and willingness to share who you really are. Thank you. I am praying for you.

susiebeth1 said...

Hi Heather ~
You have had alot going on the last few months! You got married, anniversary of your first sweetheart, and your first baby left the nest. All of those are on my list of MAJOR LIFE EVENTS!!
You have walked it well, dear sister! He is faithful! Well done!

Joan said...

Dear Heather, how glad I am that you are part of our family now. I wasn't there when you were dealing with Eric's death but, because you have been transparent on your blog - and in person - I've learned something of your heartache. I'm sharing here one of my grandmother's poems that I hope will offer some comfort and encouragement.


O Love of God that’s round about my soul
giving sweet peace whatever tempests roll.
I owe it all to One who on a cross
bore all my sin, my failure, and my loss.
I sink, like Peter, when I see the waves,
but You still live.
Walk above my graves.

Joan/Mom Olsson

Kenj said...

Love you ;)

Renee said...

I have had a rough few weeks...last week I came down with a virus..and now my ibs is acting up...I stress out so very easily.

These are days that I feel so down...and there are times that I feel that everything is crashing around me.

I look to God as my strength...I rely on Him to lift me out of bed so that I can homeschool my make lunches and dinners even though I can't eat any of it...

He is mighty!!! I know that I will soon feel better...maybe not this minute but soon:)

Wonderful Post!



A Second Wife said...

Heather, thanks for giving me some insight into my own husband's loss of his first wife to death. It is so very different from my situation (my husband's adultery and divorce) and I have struggled to understand how my current husband of several years can love his deceased wife, and yet be IN love with me! Your post prompted a two hour discussion, with lots of tears, last night. So, as you can see, your transparency and trust in the Lord is having far-reaching effects. I'm keep this anonymous, but you do know me face to face! I'll FB you privately to let you know who wrote this.

Sheri said...

Heather, I just found your blog today and want you to know that I prayed for you and your family after reading your post. I am sitting at my computer in tears, as I can't imagine the grief you have born, yet at the same time have trust our Savior who has given you peace... I don't know what else to say, other than, thank you so much for sharing your testimony. You have blessed me.

And, what a gorgeous family our Heavenly Father has blessed you with!

My husband is an Army Officer (we have been a military family for 10 years) and we have many dear friends in the Air Force as well. Thank your courageous son for his service and I will pray that his training goes very well. I'm sure you are one proud mama!

Blessings Through our KING,
~ Sheri