Questions and Tears

Last night it hit me. The tears just kept coming uncontrollably. I really had no idea that one could cry so much! And, then they rolled down my cheeks all day today.

I have read and re-read every single comment and the words of encouragement that have been left have become a source of strength for this very weary heart.

I don't feel very strong at the moment but feel much more like a two year old who isn't getting her way. As I cry out to God in my agony I question why this had to happen to me. Why did he have to take Eric home when I need him so much down here? Why is Brown Sugar going to grow up without a daddy? Why will my girls have to walk down the aisle with their brother rather than their father? How could He think that I could handle mothering six children by myself? And yet my questions are already answered in the sweet peace of the Holy Spirit. On earth I will never know why He chose to take Eric home but He sure is getting a lot of glory out of it. Brown Sugar and the rest of our girls were never suppose to have Eric around to walk them down the aisle or any of the other things that daddy's do with their children. And, God has promised that He will be my husband and the father to my precious children. He loves us much more than we can ever imagine. All that being said, I don't understand but I trust His hand.

As I sit here writing I can't help but cry once more. Let me just say that this is, by far, the worst anguish that I have ever felt and my Savior knows such anguish. He is familiar with sorrow, pain, and death.

Such a paradox to be grieving on one hand and yet be rejoicing on the other. The pain seems unbearable at times but I continue to praise Him. I suppose I wanted to write this post not so you would understand my pain but that you would know that even in His strength I am feeling the pain. I am weak but He is strong. I am unable to handle this grief on my own but His strength is perfect.

Take courage by the reigns...don't let go. If you are going through a trial or a struggle in your life walk in His strength and courage. It will do your soul good (as it does mine) and also give Him glory.

The Sweet Faith of a Child

A couple of nights ago I snuck little Brown Sugar into my bed because she was still awake. Most nights I cry myself to sleep and this night was no exception. As I was crying Brown Sugar wiped my tears away while saying "It's okay".

I told her that I was very sad because I wish daddy was still here with us. She asked (mind you, she is only 2 1/2 years old) "Daddy sick?". I said "No, daddy is no longer sick. He is in heaven with Jesus."

She said "I love daddy. I love Jesus." And then she started singing Jesus Loves Me, hand motions and all.

Even though I don't understand why Brown Sugar has to grow up without her daddy I understand that Jesus will be her daddy and will keep her heart.

~Lazyd

Prayers

Thought you might be interested...
From the day I got the beeper (last Tuesday) to Saturday I had 95,000+ people who prayed and then called the beeper.

From Saturday to today I have had 81,000+ people who have prayed and then called the beeper.

It is attached to me and is a visible reminder of the prayers that are being lifted up for our family. I can not tell you how many times I have almost "lost" it and the beeper goes off reminding me that my strength is in the Lord and I can make it through this.

Does prayer help? I am convinced that without the prayers of the saints I would not have been as strong on Saturday. I am convinced that without the prayers of the saints I would not have been able to get through the funeral home paperwork without shedding a tear.

But, don't get me wrong. I cry an awful lot right now. I just got done crying over my 2 1/2 year old not being able to grow up knowing her daddy. I ache in my heart when I think of my husband's body laying in the morgue. I cry out to God and ask Him to please bring Eric back to me. I am weak, He is strong.

So, please keep praying. I know the power of prayer and rely on it heavily right now. Oh, and it has been such a sweet blessing to read all of your comments....and some coming from long lost friends!
~Lazyd

Pain...

I have never felt such pain. My heart aches more than I can even fathom. Yet, through the pain a friend reminded me to start reading the psalms. He thought that the meaning of the laments would help me through this time. What is amazing about David's laments is that they are mixed with astounding praise to God Almighty. This is where my heart is. On one hand I groan with pain and on the other I rejoice in His greatness.

I am fully aware that the Lord might be using my life and the lives of our children to testify to His great goodness. As I have told many friends lately I am willing to be vulnerable and as an open book for this reason. It is not an easy task to walk into pain but for some reason I know that walking away from it would cause more heartache in the end.

Saturday was the day of the Memorial service. All went incredibly well and I have memories that I will cherish forever. Sunday I walked into the pain of attending church with our community of believers who were doubly shocked by Eric's death. This was much harder than Saturday. Monday was full of good-bye's to family and then today has been a day of meeting with friends who traveled a long way to be here for our family. Tomorrow I go to the funeral home where I will make the final arrangements for Eric's burial at the National Cemetary in Santa Nella, CA. I am anticipating a very emotional morning.

The sobs and tears seem to come at the most ackward and inconvenient times. Tonight, as we were voting, I just broke down when I saw his name on the roster and realized the finality of death. Every evening when I can no longer procrastinate my bedtime I crawl into the covers and just sob. I hope that the pain will die down over the months and years.

Thank you for all the encouraging words sent my way. Our family appreciates all of the love and prayers that are bestowed on us. I should have the memorial details including a youtube for you by the end of the week. There were some beautiful letters that I would like to share with you that capture the essence of Eric's personality.

The Night Before

It is the night before Eric's memorial service. It still does not seem real but the flowers that are arriving and the preparations for tomorrow are making it harder for me to ignore what is the new reality of our lives. My husband will no longer walk through the front door and give me a kiss. My children's father will no longer tuck them in bed each night and pray over them.

The rubber is definately hitting the road right now. You can say all you want that you believe in God's sovereignty but when you face devistating circumstances like these you realize that all that hope and faith in your theology is real. As real as the air I breath. God IS sovereign.

And, His promise to be my husband and the father to my children is truth. I have seen His mighty hand throughout this whole week. It was only a week ago that God took Eric home to be with him.

Eric was doing some work down in Merced (about a half hour south of us) with Daisy, our youngest bio child. When his breathing became too difficult he told Daisy to call 911. She did but the cell phone did not get through right away. A customer came out and realized something was wrong and called 911. This time she got through but I believe it was probably too late at this point. The ambulance arrived and they intubated him. On the way to the hospital he went into cardiac arrest and then went through cardiac arrest five more times.

I arrived at the hospital and met up with Daisy and a Detective who had taken Daisy from the scene. They brought out the Dr. and a chaplan. Ummmm...I will say at this point it became pretty clear to me that something was very wrong. They let me go back and see him. I asked if I could hold his hand while they were doing compressions on his chest. I kissed his hand and told him I loved him. The Dr. asked if I would give him permission to stop life saving measures. I asked him to explain what he was asking of me but before I could answer they whisked me out of the room. At this point I knew I had just said good-bye to my husband and I felt sooooo alone. I can not tell you the deep sobs that were coming from me.

The chaplan came back out and said that they had gotten his heart to beat again. I was amazed by this. Was God giving us a miracle? They took him up to ICU where they stablized him. The first blessing of many was the nurse shutting the door behind her and praying over Eric and I.

The next few days were sleepless as I kept hoping and praying and making plans forEric to come home. I figured that he would have sustained life long damage that would change our lives forever.

On Sunday his white blood count dropped dramatically from 20,000 to 1,600. His liver enzymes were skyrocketing meaning that he was still have muscle breakdown. We donned the masks and gowns to protect Eric from infection and continued to pray. But, my prayers started to change to asking for either a complete healing on earth or in heaven. His body was limp and even with the dropping sedation levels he was not flinching.

Monday was Boo's 19th birthday. We decided to have a birthday party for her at the hotel where our church had gotten me a room. She was surprised to see all of her friends and family there. We tried to focus on her and not on what was going on at the hospital a few blocks away.

When I went back to the hospital I found that they had unbound him. He no longer needed the restraints. Bad sign! I asked the nurse to please tell me the truth. She said that when they had tested him by inflicting pain to his body he didn't furrow his brow or flinch at all. When they tried to get mucos up through his tube he did not have a gag reflex. These were tell tale signs that his brain was dead.

The next blessing was our pastor and his wife coming back down to the hospital to be with me. Wendy sat with me all night, prayed with me, sang with me, and read to me while I kissed and held Eric's hand. She took me back to the hotel so I could get ready for the next day...telling the children that their father was dead.

Another blessing manifested itself when we went back up to talk to the attending Physician about declaring Eric brain dead. The chaplan said that this man was a godly man. It was wonderful to know that the man who was helping us understood our faith. He was kind and gentle with me during this very rough time.

In the end there were other blessings that I felt come directly from my new husband, my heavently Father. The fact that they did not declare him dead in the ER meant that I was able to spend a few days mourning the loss of my husband. The children were also able to go and say good-bye to their daddy.

I also happen to know the coroner of our county. She recognized the name and called the hospital back to find out if I was there. I talked to her for a long time and went away with a lot of info and help.

Eric's legacy is great. He lived three lifetimes in this one life. I could not have asked for a better husband, soulmate, best friend, lover. I am sure at a later date I will gush more about Eric but for now I will finish up by saying that it would be Eric's greatest wish for many to come to the Savior through his death. He would be thrilled if he knew that his life helped others to live a full life for Christ by taking care of the poor, the sick, the elderly, the lonely, the orphans. That was his passion...living out his faith.