Monday, July 31, 2006

Lovin' Life

I am not feeling well today. I have a sore throat and stuffed up nose. Thanks go to Gabbie who seems to have had a constant cold for the past three weeks. But, do not think that I am complaining. In no way am I looking at each day with dread. I have loved every blow out diaper. I have loved every early morning bottle. I have loved every goopy nose. I have even cherished every training moment. The enjoyment of watching Gabbie and Joe learn how to obey has not been lost on me.

Some of you might not know our story. Two weeks after Paige was born (eleven years ago) Eric went in for a vascectomy. We had four children at the time. Becca was in first grade and Nate was in Kindergarten at the local public school. Mallory was 14 mo at the time. I was teaching a Mommy's group at our church (I look back now and just can't believe that I was leading young mommys while I was still a young mommy!), working weekly at the kids school and teaching piano. I was over streched and on the verge of a breakdown. We had no support for having more children and all of our friends had at the most only four, possibly five children. Obviously God had not worked on our hearts at this time.

Even driving away from the Dr. office after dropping Eric off, I felt like something was wrong but convinced myself that I was doing the right thing. Logically and practically I was doing what was right. What about spiritually? Well, over the next eight years I was a mess. Every month I would convince myself that this month I would be miraculously pregnant. I would cry incessantly when I found out a friend was pregnant. I would ask God why and beg Eric to go get a revrsal. I would like to say that over time my attitude changed. What changed was my desire to change my attitude but the monthly reminder would send me tailspinning out of control. Eric kept telling me that this was a heart issue and that God would do as He pleases.

I am not sure what changed Eric's mind. But, on Valentine's Day 2003 Eric surprised me with a date to visit a Doctor in Texas to have a reversal. Eric reminded me that he was not doing this to produce more children but to rather obediently put back in order what we had destroyed. He kept reminding me that God is in control and that our children were already planned before the foundation of the world. If we were to have more bio children then it would be His doing, not ours. Wise words.

But. alas, three years later and I have not been pregnant once. I still hope and pray. But, now I see a part of His perfect plan a bit more clearly. You see, I have never felt the need to adopt. It really has not been a desire of mine. But, Eric saw a need to take in children who are already born into this world. He saw the need to live out our religion and instead of propigating the world with more children taking care of those who are already here. So, when I hold my two new blessings, I can see how God has worked out His plan in our family and has given me the desires of my heart in a way that I could not see clearly.

Do I still desire to have another bio child? Not as much. Hormonally I think that women have a God given drive to bear children but God has shown me that my quiver was full for eleven years (I just was not able to accept His will for my life) and now it is full again. This time with the adding of two beautiful children that did not come out of my body but are as much mine as my bio children. We will continue to trust God in whether or not He wants us to have more or not whether that be biologically or through adoption.

For those of you who struggle with the issue of infertility (whether you have had children or not) please know that ultimately being content with God's will supercedes what we believe to be quiverful. And, quiverful does not necessarily mean "big family". As a friend said recently to us...a man who has an overflowing quiver of arrows is not necessarily a great marksman since the more you have the harder it is to pull them out of the quiver. It may be taking the illustration a bit too far but it is food for thought.

So, now you have a clearer picture of why I am so grateful to be carrying a baby in an ergo, carrying a diaper bag full of cheerios and bottles, and why I am thrilled to be able to have a heavy five year old hanging on my arm when he is tired and hungry. I will take it all in and enjoy every moment because I know what it is like to not have these things. My longing has made me appreciated all that I have no matter good or bad.

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