Monday, February 18, 2008

A Moment of Clarity

I am really going to lay out my heart here. It is never easy to show a part of yourself that you hope no one ever sees. This time I feel that a part of my vulnerability is to show how God is working on my heart.

When I got married I mourned (think discontent) the loss of my previous "freedom" of college age years. I was now being told how to wear my hair, how I should spend the household money, etc. I had made a commitment to Eric but what I was really wanting was a husband to provide me money to live the life that I really want.

When I found out I was pregnant with Boo I was very upset. I had no intention of getting pregnant so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of marriage. When Eric was out at sea I played to my heart's content and when Eric came home we played to our heart's content. We were so focused on our own personal satisfaction. I had a small understanding that life would change with the birth of our children but I was still so focused on me that I started to get upset about this new phase of life that would take even more of my "freedom" away. Eric, on the other hand, saw each new phase as a gift. He wanted lots of children and with each child he gave more of himself away to spend raising our children and establishing a godly home.

When I found out that I was pregnant with number four I was dumb-struck. I think I cried for a couple of weeks. Miss M was only five months old so how could I be pregnant again and how in the world was I going to manage four children (I laugh at this now!) and still have time for me? After much whining on my part Eric agreed to a vasectomy. I cried all the way home from that appointment as I realized that I was moving into another phase of life that I was not sure I wanted to go into.

Much of my problem with moving into new phases of life is that they are proof that I am growing old and I have no ability to stop time and stay where I am. I was rebelling against the God of the universe. I liken my attitude to that of a two year old who doesn't want the ice cream you give them because it isn't exactly the way they desire it. I didn't want to go into a new phase of life because it would mean saying good-bye to the old and supposedly all of the tears and tantrums would get me what I wanted.

The latest discontentment that I have dealt with for the past twelve years was not being able to have any more biological children. Even though I had ended the child bearing years of my life I was now upset with God that He did not miracuously give us another child. Eric even had a reversal so why did God not provide?

As I reflect on my new phase of life, widowhood, I finally feel defeated. But, defeated in a good way. I do not believe that God took Eric away from me to teach me a lesson but I believe that God uses these valleys as an instrument to teach us lessons even as He uses these valleys to change other people's lives. I can not change what God has ordained from the very beginning of time whether that be life choices, children, or death. Death is final. There is no turning back but only going forward and embrace the future that God has in store for me.

So, I humbly submit to my Creator who has created this life for my sanctification. It is a stepping stone toward an eternity with Him in a new heaven and new earth. I still do not understand His ways but I continue to trust.



Scott and Katy said...

I have no words for comment, just heavy sighs at your wisdom and at the reflection of my own life. Thank you for sharing the work the Lord is doing in your life. Continually praying for your family.

The Reed's Adoption Journey said...

Wow, is all i can say. your faith and strength amazes me. I know God has big plans for you. You have a gift of writing and expressing you thoughts and feelings and you have been open to God to use whatever (even pain) HE has given you. I dont even remember how i stumbled across you blog just 3 weeks ago but I know it was God. Yes i am still praying and listening to hear what God wants to teach me through your growing pain.

CristyLynn said...

Thank you for sharing so openly your own struggles throughout your life to even better explain how God is working in your heart now.
We are praying for you and your beautiful children daily. We look forward to learning how God continues to lead and guide you and sustain you in this "phase" of life; to watching, though from afar (that would be us, not God, of course), the beautiful design He has for your heart and life.
Love in Christ,
The Slawsons

Meg said...
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dp23 said...

What can I say - but that I read your blog and pray for you every day. That anniversary picture is a real focus!

May the Lord assure you of His love and His presence (Heb 13:5 and Isaiah 43:1/2)and keep you upheld as you walk with Him into the future He has planned for you.


Meg said...

Oh, Heather, wow, how true. The Lord has given you so much wisdom, insight and understanding. Sometimes it is so hard to submit to His plans, but it brings such freedom when we do. You and your family are continually in may prayers. Our God reigns.

Meg said...
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Martha A. said...

That is so true! Thank you so much for sharing that!

Cindy said...

Heather, I am so amazed at your ability to be so honest here and write so clearly. I look forward to every post to see how you are doing. May God continue to lift your head and hold you close. My prayers are with you and your children. Hugs(((())))), Cindy in West Texas

t said...

Wow Heather, that was incredibly authentic! My heart is so touched by what you are sharing. Thank you for being so usable, an instrument in the hands of God.

Prayers being said here in Central Texas

TnFullQuiver said...

I too have walked many of the same phases of life. My husband served almost 12 years in the Navy. I hated it when he was out to sea, but it did give me time to play. I have a horrible habit of not being content in the area of life that God has me. For example, when I was in college I longed for a baby. After several miscarriages and such, I finally conceived. Then I found myself longing to work. Thank God that He grabbed hold of my heart! I will never forget the moment in time that I knew that God ordered my thoughts clearly to His will. I was thinking about seasons and how I love the seasons, but I always look so forward to the next season coming up. Often times I look so forward to the next season that I forget to enjoy the season that I am in. The Lord spoke to my heart and told me that was the way I was living my life. I made a choice right then and there to enjoy the season of life that God had me in at each phase of life. Some seasons as you well know are more enjoyable than others, but I still stuck to my choice of being obedient to the Lord. I know God has something very special for you and your family. Just look at all the people's lives that you have already touched through this season!
grace and peace,

S & C & C's Gram said...

My dear, you reflect and write quite insightfully.

I was rebelling against the God of the universe... I didn't want to go into a new phase of life because it would mean saying good-bye to the old and supposedly all of the tears and tantrums would get me what I wanted.

Ouch! You have touched a heart string of mine. I have been really whining about some big changes in my life in the last year (none to compare with widowhood), and your reflections have given me some new perspectives to ponder.

Thank you.

tenthstreetplace said...

Wow. As, I read your blog entry I could not help but see my on discontentment in life at various times. I like you at certain times feel like a two year old who wants to throw a tantrum before God. But what I really need to do is just surrender to His sovereignty. Thank you for writing this, this touched me and convicted me on how I approach life at times. Thank you.

Duane & Patricia said...

"Godliness with contentment is great gain"
"I have learned to be content in whatever cicumstances I am."
Been listening to John MacArthurs, "An Encouraging Call to a Contented Life"
Yes, it is learned, isn't it? At every turn we are learning greater contentment. I remember whining about something one time(I think it was when we were at the mercy of someone we were living with) to my husband and he just turned around and looked at me and said,"Why are you kicking against the goads?" The truth of the statement was so right that I burst out laughing! (He was relieved that I wasn't angry about him telling me that.) At that moment I became content with the situation and it wasn't long after that the LORD relieved us of it. Thank you Heather. Lean hard.

Rebecca said...

Heather, all I can do is encourage you to one day print out all of your blog entries since your dear husband's passing. They have been an inspiration and a testimony of how to keep walking through the darkest of circumstances. These will be so precious someday not only to your children but to anyone else who walks through trials and don't know that they'll make it through. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I have been so blessed.

All 8 of Us said...

Your sharing from the heart has provoked and convicted me and given me a greater appreciation for the season I am now in. Thank you for being a willing vessel in the midst of your heartache. i am continuing to pray for you all.

As One Voice said...

Amen . . . well said.

Continuing in prayer ~ Diana

Laurie said...

Beautifully written, beautifully learned wisdom. We are all a work in progress aren't we? I too went through the struggles of not being content where I was. He is so loving to teach us how to be content right where we are at. I have found such peace and gratefulness in this. It has only taken me almost 60 years of learning!:) But He is faithful and patient with us isn't He? I am praying for you and your family during this difficult time, that you find His grace and peace is sufficient for each day. It is.

Love, Laurie in So. Ca.

Jamie said...

Wow. You have such faith during this time. It is amazing and such an inspiration. Thank you.

RachelMac said...

Thank you for your transparency. I see myself so clearly in some of your thoughts. Thank you for the reminder that my life is being ordered by the God of the Universe - - who am I to be impatient? I continue to pray for you and your family many times every day.
Rachel McCall in Idaho

Mama2fiveblessings said...

Thank you so much for this! What amazing wisdom and clarity the Lord has give you. You are an inspiration and the Lord is using you mightily through this whole process. I see myself in some of your comments and it is an awesome reminder that His ways are the BEST even in the worst of times. I'll continue to pray and look forward to your continuing posts.

felmleyfam said...

it was great to see the three posts that I have missed the last few days. but, we didn't stop praying! how sweet to see the picture of you and your sweetheart eric and then read of you and your sweetheart son going out to dinner. how gracious our God is that when we are discontent, when we rebel, when we don't understand His ways (or ours),when we are selfish... HE IS LONGSUFFERING and a gentle shepherd. Praise God HE sees us sinners through to completion, praise Him for salvation...the precious blood of His only Son. Your post reflects all of these things, and the Lords goodness to us! The Lord is answering our prayers for you; giving you wisdom, comfort and hope for the future and the ability to raise your children. Thank you for sharing so we can see how God is working, and He always is! My four year old saw me click on your site and he said, "sometimes I pray for the Davis family when I go to bed!" He knows you are the Davis family from your picture and he likes how all the kids are laying down like that. He said, why are all the kids laying with their heads like that? I told him it was just for fun and that is why I took the picture of them with their heads together the other day (just put that picture on so you could see it). Even through the grief your fun loving family shines through the computer screen. And it is good to see how the Lord works for our good; how could you get through this grief and loss without boo??? like when she comes up and holds your hand like Eric used to. Wow, such blessings in the thorns of life. Even when you share your hope for the future we know that the loss is great, the void is gaping, the love is there for eric so we will continue to pray for you. We think of you in the morning when it is hard for you to open your eyes after crying yourself to sleep...and we pray for you and thank God for His answers and provision. Glad you still have the pager. My husband asked, "are you sure they want you to call this late?" I think you must put it in the other room if you are trying to sleep. hope so. And how sweet of whoever got you that pager, what a testimony of Gods provision through prayer. love to your family from ours.

godlover said...

Heather, I am a complete stranger finding your blog site on Woman of Faith's blog. I am so touched to have shared your story. I will pray for you and your family and rest assured that God loves you and He knows exactly what He's doing. It doesn't make sense to us but it doesn't have to. Just rest in the Lord. His grace is sufficient. God bless you!

godlover said...

Heather, I am a complete stranger finding your blog site on Woman of Faith's blog. I am so touched to have shared your story. I will pray for you and your family and rest assured that God loves you and He knows exactly what He's doing. It doesn't make sense to us but it doesn't have to. Just rest in the Lord. His grace is sufficient. God bless you!

jaz said...

Amen from Oregon! I am not a crier, but I have shed more tears reading your blog than anything else in the last year... not just sadness, although that's definitely part of it, but happy tears to see God working so powerfully through you, your situation, and the gift of writing He has clearly given you. Surely one of the seasons on the horizon for you must include authoring a book. You are inspiring, and you do a tremendous job of challenging me to fulfill my potential as a daughter of the King. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Although some have posted incredible thoughts after reading your last blog entry, I don't know what else to say but, "Wow." God is truly answering all of our prayers to give you His wisdom, comfort, and grace in your time of need. I agree with a couple of people who suggested that you might want to pray about actually putting all of this into a book someday. It is amazing how our Father can use even the most difficult circumstances to perfect us into children that give Him all the honor and glory. Your story is such a challenge and encouragement. Praise be to the Lord!

Kat said...

I have no words. I am praying for you and your children. God is with you.

Mrs. Jeannie Mitchell said...

Boy, Jesus is truly using your life to touch so many..I'm sure, amidst your tears, you are comforted with that. John Bunyon sure did give us a picture of life when he wrote "Pilgrims Progress," with the hard experiences of his life as his teacher. Our prayers are with you.

Missy said...

Heather, I am so blessed by you sharing the rawness of your soul. I look forward to seeing how God further uses you and your children.
Love, Missy

Della said...

I hope this will still reach you, though I'm commenting on an old post. I ran across your blog through google reader's recommended blogs and I have been trying to "catch up" somewhat on what you've written.
When I read this post, I could relate so much, though through very different circumstances. As I read the last paragraph, my own heart resonated with that same submission to God, as it has more and more in recent years. "He is Able!" What a wonderful God we serve! His patience and mercy continually amaze me!
I hope to catch up a bit more on your blog in the coming days, though I don't know if I'll manage to read it all. I just wanted to comment and tell you how much your blog has moved my heart tonight.
May the Lord bless you and keep you and may He give you peace and joy each day!
Love in Christ,