A Moment of Clarity

I am really going to lay out my heart here. It is never easy to show a part of yourself that you hope no one ever sees. This time I feel that a part of my vulnerability is to show how God is working on my heart.

When I got married I mourned (think discontent) the loss of my previous "freedom" of college age years. I was now being told how to wear my hair, how I should spend the household money, etc. I had made a commitment to Eric but what I was really wanting was a husband to provide me money to live the life that I really want.

When I found out I was pregnant with Boo I was very upset. I had no intention of getting pregnant so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of marriage. When Eric was out at sea I played to my heart's content and when Eric came home we played to our heart's content. We were so focused on our own personal satisfaction. I had a small understanding that life would change with the birth of our children but I was still so focused on me that I started to get upset about this new phase of life that would take even more of my "freedom" away. Eric, on the other hand, saw each new phase as a gift. He wanted lots of children and with each child he gave more of himself away to spend raising our children and establishing a godly home.

When I found out that I was pregnant with number four I was dumb-struck. I think I cried for a couple of weeks. Miss M was only five months old so how could I be pregnant again and how in the world was I going to manage four children (I laugh at this now!) and still have time for me? After much whining on my part Eric agreed to a vasectomy. I cried all the way home from that appointment as I realized that I was moving into another phase of life that I was not sure I wanted to go into.

Much of my problem with moving into new phases of life is that they are proof that I am growing old and I have no ability to stop time and stay where I am. I was rebelling against the God of the universe. I liken my attitude to that of a two year old who doesn't want the ice cream you give them because it isn't exactly the way they desire it. I didn't want to go into a new phase of life because it would mean saying good-bye to the old and supposedly all of the tears and tantrums would get me what I wanted.

The latest discontentment that I have dealt with for the past twelve years was not being able to have any more biological children. Even though I had ended the child bearing years of my life I was now upset with God that He did not miracuously give us another child. Eric even had a reversal so why did God not provide?

As I reflect on my new phase of life, widowhood, I finally feel defeated. But, defeated in a good way. I do not believe that God took Eric away from me to teach me a lesson but I believe that God uses these valleys as an instrument to teach us lessons even as He uses these valleys to change other people's lives. I can not change what God has ordained from the very beginning of time whether that be life choices, children, or death. Death is final. There is no turning back but only going forward and embrace the future that God has in store for me.

So, I humbly submit to my Creator who has created this life for my sanctification. It is a stepping stone toward an eternity with Him in a new heaven and new earth. I still do not understand His ways but I continue to trust.

~Lazyd