There are some moments and some feelings that just can not be adequately described by words. That is what I am feeling about the overwhelming grief that I was faced with today.
As we drove home we had to drive past the hospital where Eric died. It is about a half an hour away from our home and that is about how long I ended up crying for. This was one of those moments where I realized that I am going home to a new life....one that I truly do not desire. Eric will not be there waiting for me like he had been at the end of past trips.
It hurt to walk into my closet and not see his clothes even though I had taken them out of the closet a few months ago. It hurt to know that his toothbrush was no longer in the drawer next to his hairbrush. It hurt to just take a shower. The pain was so intense that all I could do was cry out to Jesus. "It hurts so much Lord" is all I can manage to say.
On our trip I had moments of loneliness but when here at home the moments seem longer and more intense. But, I was reminded by a few cards left by a friend that joy comes in the morning. I may weep through the night and through this portion of my life but joy comes in the morning. That morning does not just encompass tomorrow but also the days to come.
A part of that joy is knowing that we are incredibly loved. We came home to a house full of friends. Friends who knew that this homecoming would be heartbreaking. Friends who wanted to make sure that I knew that they missed us and love us. They brought us a meal, made signs, cut flowers, and left notes in my room to remind me that I am loved.