There are some moments and some feelings that just can not be adequately described by words. That is what I am feeling about the overwhelming grief that I was faced with today.
As we drove home we had to drive past the hospital where Eric died. It is about a half an hour away from our home and that is about how long I ended up crying for. This was one of those moments where I realized that I am going home to a new life....one that I truly do not desire. Eric will not be there waiting for me like he had been at the end of past trips.
It hurt to walk into my closet and not see his clothes even though I had taken them out of the closet a few months ago. It hurt to know that his toothbrush was no longer in the drawer next to his hairbrush. It hurt to just take a shower. The pain was so intense that all I could do was cry out to Jesus. "It hurts so much Lord" is all I can manage to say.
On our trip I had moments of loneliness but when here at home the moments seem longer and more intense. But, I was reminded by a few cards left by a friend that joy comes in the morning. I may weep through the night and through this portion of my life but joy comes in the morning. That morning does not just encompass tomorrow but also the days to come.
A part of that joy is knowing that we are incredibly loved. We came home to a house full of friends. Friends who knew that this homecoming would be heartbreaking. Friends who wanted to make sure that I knew that they missed us and love us. They brought us a meal, made signs, cut flowers, and left notes in my room to remind me that I am loved.
13 comments:
Welcome Home my friend! I have been praying as I knew it would be hard. One of those inevitable things that had to be faced. Hard yet not too hard for our loving Savior. I think of the song, "Cry Out To Jesus!" I know you are and will.
I will give you a few days before I inundate you with my calls and questions. I also owe you a birthday lunch and we are all anxious to come over for a day of swimming and fellowship.
Jonathan and I just returned from Disneyland so that is a story that will be neat to share with you. Plus just life and what has been happening in the McCall household. Jonathan has an apt with his surgeon in Walnut Creek as his ear has not healed correctly so we hop in the car again. UGH!!! Pray it is something simple that hopefully he can repair today.
Hugs and Kisses to all of you and will continue to lift you to our Father who can handle all of your tears and cries. May He be your comforter as you walk this new portion of your road.
I love you Heather and can't wait to connect.
-Valerie
Glad you're all home safe and sound.
Of course you're loved! And now by even more people than before from all of your travels :)
Maybe we'll meet you in Colorado next year :) that way goose won't have to contend with our driveway--lol!
God's peace with you all!
Christine
Oh, Heather, I knew coming home to an empty house would be hard and I know there's no way to prepare for that reality, but I wish I could have cushioned the blow for you, shared some of your pain, held you while you cried. Anything to make it a little easier for you. But this is a path you must walk alone. I mean, it doesn't matter that you have so many friends standing with you, you still have to take it step by step alone. But know that you have a wealth of friends who love you and want so much to ease your burden. But we can't. We just have to stand quietly and wait for you to catch up. And you will catch up. It just takes you a little longer because your side of the path is filled with sorrow. But I cry with you and for you because I have come to love you through your blogs and emails and I share your pain. Just know that as you walk you're not alone. You have a great following of friends and the Father Himself is there to uphold you. Jesus knows your anguish and He reaches out to you every minute of every day and His arms are strong enough to catch you when you stumble. He loves you so much, Heather. And we do too.
Marj
http://gdlvr.blogspot.com
I'm so glad to hear you arrived safely. And I'm praising the Lord for the true help your friends can be and praying for you in your sorrow.
Heather
I saw your post on Steve Camp's sight and thought I would check the 'Lazy D' out. I am a single dad of three great girls, I lost my wife to ovarian cancer in 02. I did not miss her near as much then as I do now!
As a brother in Christ I want you to know that I care and will pray for you and your children. I have one simple word of advice that will make all the difference if you are willing to follow it, immerse yourself in the Word of God. It is the only thing that has saved me and I wish I would have been as dedicated to the word of God when Lisa was alive as I am now, God has used that tragic event for my good, He has changed me forever!
God Bless
Praying for you
Robert Cooper
Thank you for your encouragement. I am eternally grateful for the men who sacrificed everything to give us the Word of God in the English language. I can only walk through this valley because His Word is so dear. And, I heartily agree that it is shameful that I was not so immersed before Eric's death.
Thank you for your prayers. I cherish those prayers from those who have gone down this path before me.
~Heather
Heather
If you ever need anyone to chat with that understands, to a degree, my email is gigantor1231@aol.com. I am on Steve's blog quite a bit too. Just a offer, don't feel obligated in any way!
Heather
I guess we have these blogs so people can read them, so forgive me if I have over stepped some bounds.
Reading through yours I was a little surprised to find that we may be in the same neck of the woods. I was born and raised in Bend, Oregon and I live in Scappoose, Oregon now. Ring any bells? Maybe just coincidence, but I have found as I live in God's hands the world becomes a very small place!
Robert Cooper
I'm so glad y'all made it home safely! It was such a blessing to meet your family! I want you to know I pray for you and your family daily!
~Elissa
So happy y'all had a safe trip back home. I'm sure you're church family has missed you terribly and I'm sure they are very happy to have y'all back...I know we'd be overly ecstatic to have y'all back here! :)
Love to you all...
So glad to know your travels lead you safely home again. I can only imagine how your heart felt to walk through the door and feel Eric's absence so deeply. Praying for you as the pain comes and goes in waves, asking the Lord to continue letting you feel His arms carrying you through this valley. He loves you so dearly and will always be with you.
Love, Laurie in So. Ca.
I think about you often and check your blog and pray for you and your little ones.
(I love all the songs you have on your music player!) :)
~andrea, momys to 6 in mn
Hi Heather! We have never met, but I want you to know our family is praying for you. You are on our minds throughout the day & we are praying that the Lord would strengthen you & encourage you as you are on this difficult path. We love you & pray the Lord would help each of your precious little ones as they miss their daddy and you grieve the loss of your best friend.
Gina
ginaswanson@hotmail.com
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