Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Will Lift My Eyes

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

Yesterday morning I spent a couple of hours praying. Praying for the needs of my children. Praying for friends who have very specific requests. Praying for God to give me wisdom for raising my children and running my household. Praying for patience as I wait on the Lord.

It has been a long time since my heart has felt so heavy. It has been a long time since tears streamed down my face with abandon. I was completely and utterly in awe of the graciousness of my Lord who has brought me through so much. These were tears of gratitude...not of grief.

Next Wednesday will mark 18 months since Eric's death. The pain has subsided and most days just go by without much thought about how my life has changed. But, then there are days when the reality of my situation hits me like a brick over the head.

I am a single mom trying to disciple six children in the ways of the Lord. I am trying to educate them while still holding onto the responsibilities of taking care of a home. I am trying to manage the finances and the property we live on. I am doing all of this without the support of a spouse. You all know this. When I look at my life from your perspective I could easily be overwhelmed by the duties set before me. I personally don't think about it often but when I do I can only say "Thanks be to God"for his indescribable faithfulness to me. I have incredible support and I know how blessed I am.

I have always been a "pleaser". Someone who does not like to rock the boat or confront others. This year has proved to be an important year of growth for me as I learn to seek the Lord for guidance on how I should raise my children and how I should run my household. And, learning not to worry about what people think of my decisions. Yesterday, when I was praying for all these needs I couldn't help but think how much stronger I am because of all the problems and conflicts that I have had to resolve.

The fact that I have not had someone to lean on has allowed me to discover anew the wisdom that is found only when on my knees before God. There have been many moments this past year where I have had to call out to God for help. I use to call my husband. Now, I automatically ask the Holy Spirit to give me guidance and help me remember those passages from the Word that I have hid in my heart for times such as these. I still ask my friends to pray for me but I first go to my Heavenly Father for help.

So, it is true...God uses those amazingly sad moments in our lives for His glory.
He is making all things new.


SarahF said...

Heather, what a testimony to God's grace and keeping power in your life.

Sarah FIodorova

not2brightGRAM said...

Awesome! A growing sliver of silver in a very dark cloud. XOXO

Genealogy Joanie said...

That's coming from the depths of your heart. Bless you. God's mercies are new every morning.

godlover said...

Heather, you have come a long way. No, actually you have been BROUGHT a long way. God has never left your side for an instant. You make a great team! I praise God for your victory. I find that when I look at the eternity-ness of God, problems here on earth don't seem quite so problematic. You are proof of that. May God continue to bless you more and more!

Kathy said...

Someone has just sent your blog to me and I am excited to see your journey. I started this journey on May 29th. I too was married for 20 years and have 6 kids still at home. Two are from Liberia. I hope I can go this far too. Kathy

Lazy D Ranch said...

please feel free to contact me at simplyheatherly@prodigy.net. I can get you my phone number then.
I am thankful that the Lord has allowed my life to encourage yours. I loved reading success stories when I was in the first phases of this journey.
With God's guidance you can make it through the hardest moments and come out the other side victorious and in utter amazement at His mercy in your life. Most of the time I find myself saying "Thanks be to God"!

Jeannie said...

I can do all hings through Him who strengthens me...Phil 4:13. The flip side to that is we can do nothing without Him...and, wonderfully, kindly, our Heavenly Father lets us know that. That is true comfort.
Love you lots..Jeannie