A New Day

There is a time to mourn and a time to rejoice...
and then there is a time to do both simultaneously.
It must be said that I had never known the pain of loss until Eric's death.
I had known the pain of disappointment...I struggled with it regularly as I petitioned God for the chance to bare another child and yet His answer was always no.
But, the grief of the loss of my dearest friend, lover, and companion for twenty years was not known to this heart until January of 2008.
And, that grief, that sorrow, that pain was so overwhelming the first few months.
Those feelings showed up again at about the nine month mark.
I just remember thinking "Well, they (grief experts) said that this would happen and I guess I am no exception!".

But, from that point on I was feeling rather energized. I had made it through the first year. I had made it through all the firsts: first birthdays without Eric, first holidays without Eric, first trips without Eric.
The second year seemed to go much more smoothly and meeting Phil just added to the "phew...I made it through the first year" feeling.
Of course, keeping very, very busy also helped me from having much down time to really reflect or deal with any possibility of "leftover" grief.

That changed after Phil and I were married.
There is a split second where I feel sorry for Phil. But, it is only a split second. He will tell you that he is happy to be the one that God is using to mend my heart.
He is always willing to have a shoulder waiting for my every tear.
And, there have been a lot of them there tears!

I had no idea that God would use this marriage to give me the chance to really grieve.
I had no idea that my Heavenly Father would give me such a gift so that I would feel free to mourn in a way that I had not yet mourned.
For many, I looked stoic as I marched through life the past two years.
They wondered if I was really dealing with the pain or just setting it aside.
No one can completely escape the pain of losing a loved one.
It will be dealt with either in the present moment or somewhere down the line.
I felt that I was dealing with it as much as was possible within the structure of our busy, daily life. But, for my particular experience, it would take the love of another man, the closest relationship that God gives, the companionship of a husband to bring me to a point of
deep mourning.

In all honesty, there are some moments that I am incredibly apologetic to Phil for not seeing this outburst of emotions coming.
But, I had no idea that there was so much left in my heart that would show itself...
we are not talking about a few tears here.
We are talking about a pain that is so deep that I can hardly breathe.
We are talking about sobs of anguish that I can barely control.
It is so reminiscent of those early months.
I had one of those moments while we were watching the flag being retired at Nate's graduation ceremony. The last time I had witnessed a flag being retired was at Eric's memorial...I just couldn't help but sob. The great beauty of that moment was the gift that God had given me in Phil. My Heavenly Father knew that I needed physical arms to hold me, to be my strength, to encourage me, to just be there.
A moment of mourning and rejoicing at the same time.

Phil was there during another crazy, emotional, and yet beautiful time. During Becca and Peter's wedding I was faced continually with the fact that Eric was not there to celebrate with us. I knew that walking down the aisle alone was going to be incredibly hard and I knew that watching Becca walk down the aisle by herself was going to cause an even greater heart ache.
There was nothing more comforting then knowing that Phil was standing right next to me, knowing how deep my pain really was.
Again, a moment of mourning and rejoicing at the same time.

Many have wondered why I didn't lean on my friends or family.
I did...so many people have helped me in so many ways.
But, my deep sorrow has been shared by very few...I am quite a private person, really.
Much of my sorrow was poured out at the feet of Jesus in the privacy of my own bedroom.
There is an intimacy that a husband and wife share that allows a vulnerability.
This is one of the treasures that I have found in Phil. In such a short time we have found ourselves marveling at the closeness of our friendship and the intimate nature of our relationship.
Again, a much appreciated gift from my dear Saviour who knows what I need even more than I know myself...and, who is a giver of good gifts to His children.

It is a new day...to rejoice...and, to mourn...and, to be thankful for the chance to do both together.
~Heather

Two Years

....and whether our tomorrows be filled with good or ill
we will triumph through our sorrow
and rise to bless You still...

Many tears today as I remember the details of that life-changing day but also a sense of wonder as I marvel at all that God has done in my life since then.

May God receive the glory for the good that has come out of the life and death
of Eric Christopher Harding Davis.
January 4, 1967-January 29, 2008

~Heather

A Heart Full of Grief

Two years ago today I felt a deep, sinking feeling.
Like no other feeling that I had ever encountered before.

I remember walking into the ER and thinking "Here we go again".
It had only been two months since Eric's last hospital visit.
The confusing part was that the Doctor, during Eric's previous stay, said that he would continue to struggle in this way but it would probably be every couple of years...not every couple of months.
But, I knew, as soon as the chaplain came out to greet me that something was terribly wrong.
I can't even try to explain the feelings that surged through my body.

Those feelings have come back with a vengeance.
Last year at this time I seemed to sail through the anniversary of Eric's death with just a few tears. This year is a much different story. There have been a couple of days this past month where the pain has been as deep as that first few months after Eric's death.
The haze is gone.

I have never felt alone on this journey.
I have always known a peace that passes all understanding.
I have known an amazing nearness to my Creator...the Defender of the widow.
And, now He has given me a physical shoulder to cry on.
Phil has been incredibly kind and understanding...
lending me open arms and heart felt sympathy.

Today I conquered a giant. A giant that I was not able to conquer a week ago. Last Monday I attempted to visit a sweet little girl that has been in the ICU. She is the daughter of one of my closest friends. I broke down while I was there (thankfully she was asleep) and then broke down all the more in the lobby.
I have broken down quite a few times over the past month...sobbing.
I seem to be continually on the verge of tears.
On this day I sat in that little girls room and ate lunch with my friend. I was able to choke down the tears and enjoy the satisfaction that I had conquered another fear.
The first phone call I made was to Phil.
I had to share with him what I had just done.
It was after that phone call that I had an epiphany.
It is a great gift to have a shoulder to lean on. I am very thankful for the godly man that He has given me.
But, the journey I have been on and continue on is something I must do on my own.
Phil can't face the fears for me. He can't take the grief from me.
But, Jesus KNOWS the fears and He KNOWS the grief.
My Intercessor faces the fears with me and He heals my pain.

If there be one lesson to learn from this past two years it would be that it is a must to cast your cares on Him alone....and then welcome the love that He allows you to have for those who help you as you walk the path of grief.

I have a few more "giants" to face this week. It will be an emotionally draining week. It is nice to know that each step leads to a bit more healing. He is faithful, faithful indeed!

By the way, the song playing while you are reading this post is from one of my favorite songwriters and performers. If you have not heard of Sara Groves please take a listen to the few songs that I have on my playlist. I promise you will be blessed by the beautiful, convicting lyrics that she writes. This particular song is my theme song.
~Heather

I Will Never Leave You...

nor forsake you...
These words are found in Deuteronomy 31:8. Here is the whole verse...
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."

As I was walking the other day I had a moment of fear enter my heart. I had a feeling I would deal with fear at some point. The thought that caused the fear was "what if I lose Phil as well!". I very well could. I am not promised that I will never suffer again just because I endured this present suffering.
In my weakness I cried out to Him and told Him that I'm just not sure I could say good-bye to another husband. The next moment proved to be a better one as I realized how silly it was for me to "confess" my inability. In all reality, the only reason why I am enduring is because I am leaning....leaning on Him who enables me to continue.
The comforting part of the above verse is that He will NEVER leave me.
He will NEVER forsake me.
He will NEVER disappoint me.
He will ALWAYS be there with me.
I understand and trust these words so much more because I have seen the faithfulness of my God...the One, True, Living God who created the Universe and yet cares for even me!

~~~~

Yesterday was a low one for me. I had a hard time pinpointing what it really was that caused me to cry...and cry some more. It wasn't the weather, it wasn't hormones.
Finally, I was willing to admit that I just plain missed Eric.
I think I had a hard time admitting this because I did not want to diminish, in any way, the love that I have for Phil. But, the fact is I was intimately involved with Eric for twenty years. He was my best friend and when best friends go away you miss them.
In no way does this change my relationship with Phil. In fact, I love him all the more as he showed great kindness and care for me last night. He could tell I was struggling and so he listened as I talked through my emotions. He has, in a short amount of time, become my closest friend and confidant. He prayed for me and then decided to cut short our conversation (which usually lasts about three hours every night!) so that I could get some rest. Crying is quite the physical activity!
After a good night's sleep I woke to a new day, a very stormy day. I decided to take my walk anyway and just let the rain pour over me. As the rain cleans the air and replenishes the earth so also do tears clean and replenish the soul.
~Heather

The Climb

O-kay, so I am sitting in traffic this afternoon listening to the CD that Miss M had inserted into the car stereo. Tears just start streaming down my face because of the song that was playing...the same one that is at this moment playing on my blog. I am almost ashamed to admit that my cheeks were stained with tears because of a Miley Cyrus (aka Hannah Montana) song! But, the lyrics are beautiful and actually follow closely with my own climb.

The Climb
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!


Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith

In particular, I find such meaning in the chorus...
It really isn't how fast you get there and it isn't about what's waiting on the other side but it is all about the climb. That upward struggle of just placing one foot in front of the other. Having no idea what might be on the other side of that mountain you are climbing but faithfully climbing because you are called to. Called by a Heavenly Father who has sustained you and given you the grace to keep on keeping on.

While we were up at Pinecrest for our annual family camp I had the privilege of climbing up a ridge with Phil and my two middle girls. It was not an easy trek and I would safely say that it was the hardest I have physically pushed myself in my adult life. I didn't do it for the view nor did I do it for the "thrill" of jumping into freezing cold pools of water. I can honestly say that I did not do it for Phil either (although having him along was the best). I did it just like I do everything else right now...because it is a part of living life to it's fullest. Just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep moving, keep climbing.
There was no accolades or applauding when we told of our hiking tales. Only a deep down satisfaction that I had conquered another mountain and pushed myself further than I had before.

Of course, my life has taken a similar journey. I did not take this journey because of what was on the other side. I had no idea that Phil would be on the other side. I decided to walk one step at a time. Still doing the same. And, I actually have learned to enjoy the climb because that is where I have felt the closest to my Guide.

~Heather

O God Beyond All Praising

O God beyond all praising we worship you today
And sing the love amazing that songs can not repay
For we can only wonder at every gift you send
And blessings without number and mercies without end
We lift our hearts before You and wait upon Your Word
We honor and adore You our great and mighty Lord

Then hear O gracious Savior accept the love we bring
That we who know Your favor may serve you as our King
And whether our tomorrows be filled with good or ill
We'll triumph through our sorrows and rise to bless you still
To marvel at Your beauty and glory in Your ways
And make a joyful duty our sacrifice of praise.

O Lord, my God, I pleaded that You might heal and save
Lord You from death have ransomed and kept me from the grave
His saints, O praise Jehovah, and praise His holy name
His anger lasts a moment, His grace a whole lifetime
For sorrow, like a pilgrim, may tarry all the night
But then a shout of joy comes when dawns the morning light.

O hear me now Jehovah be gracious unto me
To You I cry Jehovah O now my helper be
You now have turned my sorrow to dancing full of joy
You loosened all my sackcloth and girded me with joy
To You sing songs my glory and never silent be
O Lord, my God, I thank You through all eternity.

This is a song we sing in our church with two added verses from Psalm 30. We sang this Sunday with many tears streaming down my face.
The desire of my heart this past year and a half was to give all praise, honor, and glory to my heavenly Father who has enabled me to persevere under the trial that was set before me.
As I have tried to humbly submit to God and bless His holy name through my sorrow I now have the privilege of doing the same with great joy.

Sooooooo....
I am officially announcing that I am engaged to be married to an incredible man by the name of Phil Olsson.



We are planning on being married this December.
He is everything that I was hoping for and even more.
I am blessed and sometimes find myself overwhelmed with the gracious gift that God is giving me. I am so thankful that I chose to obey and rejoice in the Lord always during my days of grief. It has made these new moments of my life all the more precious. I hope you will rejoice with us and pray for us as we start this new life together.
My next post will give you all the details on our courtship and engagement.


~Heather

I Can't Believe My Life

Heather Kinzer Davis is having one of those "I Can't Believe My Life" days

That is what my Facebook status read today. It has been one of those days! There are two sides to the above phrase though. In the now or present I have moments when I just can't believe that I am a widowed mother to six children. I just can't believe the tasks that have been laid at my feet to accomplish.
Then there is the flip side of the above statement. I can't believe where I am at this moment. I can't believe all the amazing lessons I have learned and I am amazed at the blessings I witness right now and see coming in the future.

I just can't believe my life!

For a moment I did get caught up in complaining about my present situation. I jokingly told my neighbor that I had had it with the kids and thought that maybe they could just "go away" so I could start over. But, as I tell my children, even in our joking there is always an element of truth in what you are saying.
My conversation with my neighbor was a direct violation of Phil. 2:14 which says "Do all things without grumbling or questioning". As Providence would have it, a close friend called me right in the middle of my conversation. Shortly after that phone call I was feeling rather convicted...my sin was great and it was causing me to become discontent with my circumstances.
That is when I knew that I needed to get on my knees before my Holy God and ask for forgiveness. I needed to ask Him for wisdom. The reason that I was feeling so overwhelmed and out of control was that I hadn't leaned on Him. I was leaning on my own understanding which is weak and crippled because of sin. But, standing in Christ's righteousness I have the ability to have clarity and gain wisdom on how to deal with those crazy moments of life. The key is to ask. So, I have learned to head to my bedroom, close the door, and go to my knees in prayer.

How is it that I am continually amazed at His seemingly quick answers to my prayers? How is it that I still don't trust Him to provide when I ask? He says if we ask for wisdom He will provide. If we trust in Him with all our hearts and if we do not lean on our own understanding that He will direct our path. What an amazing promise from an amazing God.

In thinking about what to write on our blog I thought it might be helpful for some of you to share how I direct my family spiritually.
One of those all time great books that I have added to my list of favorites is "When You Rise Up" by R.C. Sproul Jr. It really is an easy read on the responsibility of the parent to train their children according to Deuteronomy 6:4-9...

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.
⁵ Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.
⁹ Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates."

I have always desired to see this be lived out in my family but for various reasons and excuses given we have not been faithful to this Biblical mandate over the years.
As of January I became convicted that I couldn't just wait for God to change my life circumstances (e.g. husband). He had given me the responsibility to lead my family as the head of my home. So, we started out very slowly and very deliberately.

I first started with a daily family worship time at night. We sang, we read the Word, we prayed. This evening ritual has evolved into a time of going over catechism questions, still reading the Word and also reading a theological book. We have also developed a prayer chart that helps us remember to pray specifically for certain people on certain days. For instance, on Monday we pray for all the missionaries we support, on Tuesday we pray for our government officials, on Wednesday we pray for the Elders of our church, etc.

As we were on our trip around the U.S. we were able to witness a family coming together in the morning to read the Word as well as in the evening. I loved this and decided that our family would do the same. So, just about every morning we get up and read a Psalm and a portion of the Proverbs. We then sing the Doxology together. Simple. This falls in line with "when you rise up".

Something that I have done for a very long time as a parent is direct my children back to the Word of God as a way of discipling them. When I find that my children are just bickering way too much I will remind them of Eph. 4:32 "Be kind, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God, in Christ forgave you." or Phil. 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." I believe that this follows the "Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road" portion of the Deuteronomy passage.
I do the same for myself...that is what I did this afternoon. I was reminded of my sin through the Word of God that I had memorized. Do all things without grumbling or questioning!

Before you begin to think that I have it all together remember that I quite clearly showed you the sin in my life that I dealt with today. As a friend says...I am just a beggar showing another beggar where to find bread...the Bread of Life.
~Heather

I Will Lift My Eyes

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

Yesterday morning I spent a couple of hours praying. Praying for the needs of my children. Praying for friends who have very specific requests. Praying for God to give me wisdom for raising my children and running my household. Praying for patience as I wait on the Lord.

It has been a long time since my heart has felt so heavy. It has been a long time since tears streamed down my face with abandon. I was completely and utterly in awe of the graciousness of my Lord who has brought me through so much. These were tears of gratitude...not of grief.

Next Wednesday will mark 18 months since Eric's death. The pain has subsided and most days just go by without much thought about how my life has changed. But, then there are days when the reality of my situation hits me like a brick over the head.

I am a single mom trying to disciple six children in the ways of the Lord. I am trying to educate them while still holding onto the responsibilities of taking care of a home. I am trying to manage the finances and the property we live on. I am doing all of this without the support of a spouse. You all know this. When I look at my life from your perspective I could easily be overwhelmed by the duties set before me. I personally don't think about it often but when I do I can only say "Thanks be to God"for his indescribable faithfulness to me. I have incredible support and I know how blessed I am.

I have always been a "pleaser". Someone who does not like to rock the boat or confront others. This year has proved to be an important year of growth for me as I learn to seek the Lord for guidance on how I should raise my children and how I should run my household. And, learning not to worry about what people think of my decisions. Yesterday, when I was praying for all these needs I couldn't help but think how much stronger I am because of all the problems and conflicts that I have had to resolve.

The fact that I have not had someone to lean on has allowed me to discover anew the wisdom that is found only when on my knees before God. There have been many moments this past year where I have had to call out to God for help. I use to call my husband. Now, I automatically ask the Holy Spirit to give me guidance and help me remember those passages from the Word that I have hid in my heart for times such as these. I still ask my friends to pray for me but I first go to my Heavenly Father for help.

So, it is true...God uses those amazingly sad moments in our lives for His glory.
He is making all things new.
~Heather

Joy in the Mourning

A dear friend of mine, who lives in Colorado Springs, asked me if I would speak at a tea she was hosting. The topic was on joy. Stacy McDonald spoke about joy as a housewife where as I spoke on joy in the midst of suffering to the 100+ ladies who attended the tea.
Even though I was sick with a stomach flu the Lord gave me the strength to share my personal story and the lessons I have learned along the way. Many thanks go to a very close friend who helped me edit my speech. This is what I wrote...

Joy in the Mourning

Good Afternoon! Well, I’d probably be more in my element if I were writing a blog spot or singing a song for you. I rarely speak publicly but the Lord has opened doors recently for me to share my testimony and some truth from His Word. Because there is so much to share and I do not want to leave out any important details, I have decided to read straight to you what I have written for today.

I don’t think that I can fully help you understand the joy that I have encountered without sharing with you the journey that has brought me to where I am today. As I look back on my life, I can see God’s hand in every area.

I was raised in the church and was called to faith early on in my life. I used to joke that I could never get away with anything. I always got caught! There are specific milestones in my past that remind me of My God’s faithfulness to me when I was unfaithful. I am grateful for that sweet hand of discipline and I am very thankful for His persistence.

Eric and I were married for a little over twenty years before he died. We used to joke that we would never want to repeat the first ten years. We bickered about everything. I was an immature, young woman who expected so much and yet gave so little. But, around the tenth year the Lord brought a few older women into my life that started to help me see the value of submitting my will first to my Heavenly Father. Out of obedience to God, I then began to submit to my husband. The Lord began changing our marriage. It was not easy. Eric used to describe himself as a AAA personality with a lot of energy. He was a doer, a servant, and a strong leader. But, God graciously used my act of respecting his God- given authority to help him love me sacrificially. One of my first thoughts after Eric died was “God, I was just getting good at respecting him and then you take him away!”. But, God’s plans are always much bigger than ours. This too was a part of my sanctification.

Over the twenty years of marriage the Lord blessed us with six children. Rebecca is twenty, Nathan is eighteen, Mallory who is here with me today is fifteen, Paige is fourteen, Joseph is nine, and Gabrielle is almost four. Joe and Gabbie were adopted from Liberia, West Africa a year and a half before Eric died. I am blessed to have been given such gifts…they are a reminder of the love that Eric and I shared.

On January 25, 2008 I woke up late. For the past year I had been getting up two to three times a night to help Eric with his severe asthma symptoms. He let me sleep in that morning. But, I had no idea that within a few hours my life would dramatically change.
That afternoon, I received a call from Paige who was twelve at the time. Paige had gone to work with Eric that day and was calling to tell me that dad was having trouble breathing but that help was on the way. A lady came on the phone, telling me that she would watch over Paige until help came. Nathan, my oldest son, drove me down to the hospital they were taking Eric to. It was about a half hour away and during that time the phone calls came in rapid succession. Calls from paramedics, the fire chief, and a police detective all asking about Eric’s medical history. I was confused but figured that it couldn’t be all that serious. But, when I arrived at the emergency room and the detective called for the chaplain, I knew that I was living a very serious moment of my life. It was at that moment that I cried out to God.

I walked into the emergency room and found my husband lying there grey and lifeless. Other than his asthma he was a very healthy man, very energetic. To see him in this state was…surreal. While I bent down to kiss his hand I was asked a question by the physician standing beside me. I didn’t hear exactly what he said but I somehow knew what he was asking. He wanted permission to stop life saving measures. Eric’s heart had already stopped six times. Before I could answer they swept me out of the room. I was ushered out into a hall and asked to wait....I had never felt such loneliness. I felt as though the world was spinning around me and yet I was completely at peace. The Chaplain came out a few moments later stating that our prayers had been answered. Eric’s heart was beating but he was not breathing on his own. Within an hour we were up in Intensive care but were told that he more than likely would not live through the night. Meanwhile, downstairs there was a group of friends from our church gathering with my kids.

This all happened on a Friday. We were in the hospital Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Throughout that weekend there were hopes that Eric would wake up from his deep coma. There was also talk about the “quality of life” Eric would have after waking up. I braced myself for the changes that would inevitably being coming. By Monday night, which was my oldest daughter’s birthday, I was coming to the conclusion that Eric’s health issues had been much more serious and critical than I had previously believed. And, I was first hit with the possibility that we might lose him. There were just too many symptoms that did not seem right: his white blood cell count was dropping, his body temperature was dropping as well, and he had no gag reflex. I asked the nurses to please tell me the truth. They said that he had not passed some very important tests and so they had already called the transplant team.

I called our Pastor to let him know and then asked him to help me tell the children. This was a tall order since our Pastor was also a close friend to Eric. The night before we shared the news with the kids I sat by Eric’s bedside and held his hand all night long. My Pastor’s wife sang over me, prayed with me, and read the healing Word of God. The next morning Pastor and I sat the children down to tell them that their daddy had gone to be with the Lord. We declared Eric legally dead soon after they visited him one last time.

I look back on those three days as a sweet time of saying good-bye to the earthly body of the man that I had been married to. The man I knew and loved had already gone to his heavenly reward. My marriage was righteously ended that day. It was something I would not have wished for my life. It was something that I would not have expected this early in my life. I would have never thought that my children would be fatherless this early on in their lives. But, God planned, before the foundation of the world the day that Eric would die. God knew that this was another part of my experiences here on earth that would make me more like Christ. He also ordained that this event would be used to sanctify my children as well.


Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee,
Thou changest not Thy compassions They fail not,
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be
….and the chorus continues declaring His faithfulness by reminding us that He shows us new mercies every morning. As we gathered around Eric’s hospital bed I thought it would be appropriate to sing a few songs before we said our final good-byes. This hymn was one I knew from memory and so I started to sing and the few people that had gathered with the kids and me joined in. Those words would come to mind and encourage me many times over the next year and a half.

One of those mercies that I have encountered over the past year and a half has been a sense of joy beyond measure. I have heard many a sermon expounding upon the differences between joy and happiness. It is a deep truth that is not all that easy to convey. Joy is a matter of the heart. It is a gift that is cultivated over years. Happiness is a choice in the moment. It is a willingness to change your disposition. I want to make this distinction up front because I need you to understand that I have not always been happy in my plight. I have had days where I trudged through the daily routine but continued to count it all joy when I was facing this particular trial: a trial that extended beyond the death and burial of my husband.

It was in this suffering that I realized the meaning of true joy. From the moment that I stepped out of the hospital for the very last time I determined to live through this ordeal with grace and a surrendered will to God Almighty. I clearly saw that I had only one choice…to trust and obey.

Here is where the rubber met the road. Did I truly believe His Word when it said “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ”? Did my belief in His Sovereign will still ring true when I was faced with the reality of my situation? Could I count it all joy when I faced this trial? My motto was “I don’t understand but I trust.”. I chose to trust even when I could not see.

That choice was an act of obedience. I knew full well what would happen if I didn’t obey. I had allowed myself to be governed by a rebellious spirit enough in my life to know the bitterness and discontentment that leads to despair and depression. Many times a dark cloud of selfish sadness lingered as a form of discipline, only to be blown away in God’s timing.
Instead, this time I purposed to walk into the new life that God had for me, no matter how painful it might be. I decided that I wasn’t going to turn away from but rather face the occasions that would remind me of my loss and my present loneliness. There were birthdays, anniversaries, and new responsibilities—events and occasions like these challenged my faith. But, I walked into the pain with full confidence that the Lord would use this to heal my heart.

But, as I look back over the past year and a half I find that there is one key element in understanding and explaining the joy that I have felt through this dark time of my life. It is a subject that rarely gets talked about in the modern day church: God’s sovereignty.

Psalm 103:15-19 As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. 16 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more; And its place acknowledges it no longer. 17 But the loving kindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children’s children, 18 To those who keep His covenant, And who remember His precepts to do them. 19 The LORD has established His throne in the heavens; And His sovereignty rules over all.

I rest in the knowledge that God is in control of every little molecule on this planet. He knew before the foundation of the earth the moment that Eric would die. I might have been taken by surprise but God had planned it….ordained it as He has also ordained my current position as a widow raising six children. Why did He choose to take Eric? For my good and His good pleasure. That’s what the Scriptures say! How can I argue with the Creator of the Universe? His ways are not mine and I humbly submit to His will.

I am eternally grateful for the years of hearing and studying this sound doctrine. There have been many women that I have conversed with over the past several months who are facing challenges similar to those I face. But, many of them have never been taught that God is the Supreme Ruler of the Universe. They have not been exhorted to seek out God by reading about Him in His Word. As I read through the Psalms I find that David struggled with what was going on in His life and yet he chose to praise his LORD for the calamity that had befallen him. Job did the same. He wondered why and questioned but always directed his heart back to God.

When you begin to accept that God reigns over all things you can’t help but stand in awe of His majesty. After writing a paper called The Sovereignty of God, John Murray, a Scottish Presbyterian wrote these words:
“He holds the reins of universal government and not a sparrow falls to the ground without His knowledge and ordination. In this let the believer take solace, for it is the secret place of the Most High and the shadow of the Almighty. It is the absolute sovereignty of the eternal God. It is the absolute sovereignty of none other than the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Ladies, when you submit your life to the Creator you begin to realize how great is your God. But, for many of us, we can go our whole lives listening to similar words and yet never let it sink into our hearts. We have the head knowledge but we have to live it from the heart. The Reformer John Calvin wrote in his Institutes:
“Here again we ought to observe that we are called to a knowledge of God: not that knowledge which, content with empty speculation, mearly flits in the brain, but that which will be sound and fruitful if we duly perceive it, and if it takes root in the heart.”
This is why we must not be only hearers of the Word but doers. Let the whole concept of God’s sovereign will for your life penetrate to the heart. Let it seep in and take over so that you can find true joy in the midst of your trial.

As I walked away from my will and accepted His perfect will I found that the Word of God came to life. I had read the Psalms over and over again and never fully understood how I, as a prosperous American, could relate to David who was being pursued by enemies. This past year and a half I have specifically read and re-read the Psalms and Isaiah. Not just for comfort but to remind me that when doubt, frustration, anxiety, and anger (those are my enemies) overwhelm me I have a High Tower, a Hiding Place to run to. Psalm 16:11 says:
You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
In the absence of my husband I have learned to throw myself upon our Triune God’s care and provision for me and my family in ways I would have never imagined. And, as much as I desire to be married, I must still place my absolute trust in my Heavenly Father. He will show me the path of life.

I must make decisions daily that affect seven people. When Eric was here I didn’t even have to pump my own gas! The learning process has not been fun but the rewards are great. I am a different woman that I was a year and a half ago. Many lessons have been learned and some the hard way. I have not always been content where God has me. I sometimes wish I had someone else to run to that will take care of it all for me. But, God led me down this path and I refuse to argue with Him.

I have found that in His presence is fullness of joy. To find true joy I have to be in His presence…daily reading His Word, getting to know Him, understanding who He is, meditating on His words. But, I wouldn’t have come into His presence without first submitting my will to His. In choosing to walk the path of righteousness I have watched the Lord heal my heart and help me to see the beauty of His creation and the blessings He has bestowed upon me. Why would I not want to enjoy the pleasures that are at His right hand? Why would I not want to enjoy the fullness of joy?

No matter what trial you are facing you can find pure joy when you begin to rest in Him. Cast all your cares on Him knowing full well that He ordained these moments for your good and His glory! It is in His sovereign plan that you will find joy in your sorrow. He will turn your mourning into dancing.

One of the safest places that I found to cry out to God this past season of my life was in the shower. I could literally cry out to Him without the whole household hearing. There were many days that I sang the chorus:
You’ve turned my mourning into dancing again
You’ve lifted my sorrow
I can’t stay quiet I must sing for Your joy has come.

I hope and pray that you have been encouraged today by the testimony that God has wrought out of my life. He is sovereign and in control of every aspect of your life as well as mine.

Many of you have “met” me through my blog. I thank you for reading but more importantly, I thank you for praying for my family. I am guessing that some of you might be wondering what my family is up to these days.
Our family motto is “Live life to it’s fullest”. I wanted to take full advantage of the time that I have with this family unit that God has ordained and so we went on a five week trip across the U.S. recently. We enjoyed visiting with friends in many different states and we also enjoyed a few historical sites including Washington D.C.

We arrived back home a couple of weeks ago looking forward to what the Lord has in store for us. Rebecca, who is Boo on the blog, is an amazing seamstress and is working on starting her own business. A young man is courting her at this time as well. Nate’s blog name is Goose. He is looking forward to working with young boys who are fatherless at a local camp. After that he is hoping to be heading off to Air Force boot camp in the fall. Mallory, or Miss M as she is known in the blogworld, is busy trying to finish her schooling so she can start working on becoming a midwife. Paige, whose name is Daisy on our blog would rather do anything but school. She loves American Sign Language though and is working toward being an interpreter. Joe is still a lil’ Cowboy. Hence his blog name. He learned how to read this past Spring. He is a bit behind in his learning but is catching up quickly. You will find him in our pool or on a skateboard most days. Gabbie, who truly is a little bit of Brown Sugar, is a precocious little four year old who keeps us all laughing and full of hugs.

Then there is me! By God’s provision I was blessed with a church that fully lives out James 1:27 “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble,”

They provide for me financially so that I can stay at home and continue to school the kids. I teach and play the piano, read whenever I have a chance, and knit. But, much of my life is filled with learning. Learning when to change the oil on the car, keep the pool clean; manage a household on my own.
I am blessed!

Do The Next Thing

About twelve years ago I had the privilege of meeting Elisabeth Elliot who has been an
incredible Titus 2 example to me.
She has taken to memorizing many passages of scripture, poems, and songs.
Among the many that she shared with us was one that I have continued to pass on to many others. It is a source of great encouragement to women of all ages.

DO THE NEXT THING

From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message for me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring,
Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,
Trust them to Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command,
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
Leave all resultings. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
(Working or suffering) be thy demeanor.
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm.
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing!
Then, as He beckons thee, DO THE NEXT THING.
(source unknown)

I woke up this morning feeling a bit overwhelmed by the amount of projects on my to-do list before heading out the door on a six week tour of the U.S.
I was already having a hard time organizing my thoughts and needs when I was informed that the water main to our house had just been busted as we were trying to build an arbor for our grapes.
At one point I just collapsed on the bed in tears as I dealt with the extra pressure of life's demands. This was not grief. This was not pity. It was exhaustion. I am pretty faithful in casting all my cares on Him but lately I have allowed a few to escape and build up a good deal of pressure. Nothing like a few tears to wash away any notions of strength. I am weak. BUT, He is strong. A dear friend texted me today these few words "He is with you". Simple and yet powerful truth. Not the sappy, Oprah god but the Creator of the Universe who has sovereignly detailed my coming and going. His strength is perfect.
One of the greatest lessons to be learned on this earth is doing that next thing that God asks of us. Hence the reason why the above poem is such a treasure.
~Heather

Life Goes On

I have a lot to write about...but, then again, I don't.
Or, I do not feel that there is a sufficient amount of info to share with you at this time.

Our lives keep moving onward. There are times when I feel like my life is spinning close to being out of control. I never seem to lose control all together but have these moments in life where a lot is asked of me. Right now we are getting ready for our trip across the U.S. This is taking up quite a bit of our time as we plan and prepare for this great adventure.

My parents are visiting from Oregon and helping us enjoy the beautiful spring weather. I hope you will forgive me if the posts are sparse in the next couple of weeks. But, please make sure to check back in May as we start sharing our journey across this great Nation. There will be a lot of pictures to share and stories to tell...I promise!
~Heather

A Beautiful Love Story

Man of Sorrows! what a name
For the Son of God, who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood;
Sealed my pardon with His blood.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
“Full atonement!” can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die;
“It is finished!” was His cry;
Now in Heav’n exalted high.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

When He comes, our glorious King,
All His ransomed home to bring,
Then anew His song we’ll sing:
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Have a blessed Easter celebration

~Heather

Trust

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

Loving this verse right now. Actually the word trust is such an amazing word. I like this word as a verb...to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something.
Last night I found myself praying rather than sleeping. Really, I just couldn't sleep and when this happens I figure the only way to redeem the time is to pray.

The morning always brings clarity and this morning was no different. I was reminded of the above verse after listening to a song by Jeremy Camp. The lyrics go something like this:

I will walk by faith even when I can not see
For because this broken road prepares Your will for me

Trust goes hand in hand with faith. I have walked by faith this whole year. He has been faithful to bring me from mourning to dancing. He has been trustworthy. So, how come I feel so much like Thomas...needing to see those nail pierced hands for myself?
It was in the moment of praising my Savior for His compassion toward me that I was reminded of the many, many times that He has proven His enduring love. And, that is when the verse hit me. I started meditating on each portion and praying these precious words back to my Father.

In that moment I was no longer leaning on my own understanding but acknowledging Him in everything. And, because He is trustworthy I know He will continue to direct my path even as He has done up to this moment.
~Heather

Personal Pronouns

This is one of the biggest birthday months for our family.
Lil' Cowboy and Miss M both became a year older. My dad, sister, sister-in-law, and niece all have birthdays this month as well. March Madness? You will find it here!

In the midst of all the celebrating I learned a lesson in grammar. Personal pronouns...the we, you, us part of our lives. Those have changed for me.
I can no longer hand a gift to my child and say that it is from us. There is no more us. And, that is so hard to hear. I have been a we and us for the past twenty years!
I don't want to say the gift is from me but the reality is that it is from just me.

It is funny how little thoughts like these enter my mind at the craziest times. They don't trip me up and ruin my day as they use to. In fact, they are mildly amusing...I would have never thought that losing a husband could cause so much change in ones life. I mean it really is change to the core level of my being. Everything I have lived in the past twenty-some-odd-years is completely different. Consequently, my brain is filled with the small details of life. I think of all the unexpected detours that were not so unexpected to a sovereign God. A smirk sometimes flashes across my face when I think about how different my life looks right now compared to two years ago and yet I am the same person...just a bit wiser.

For all of you who very early on told me that someday the pain would subside and my heart would not be so crushed...you were right. The heart is healing. I cry when I see his smile...I miss him so much BUT there is a peace knowing that he is incredibly happy and satisfied with his eternal life in Christ. I was his biggest supporter here on earth and I continue to support him by being happy for his reward.

Today as I was walking with Brown Sugar she asked if we could go to the park. I took a detour to the playground as Brown Sugar said "Mommy, daddy is going to meet us at the park right?".
I said without hesitation or even a lump in my throat "Daddy is in heaven he can't come to the park with us." She answered back "Well, I need a new daddy." She's right and we pray that the Lord will bring along some incredible man to fill this void in her life. I just smiled in gratitude as I realized that I had heard her words and hadn't cringed or broken down. God is good and the healer of all wounds.

I thank the Lord for not allowing me to wallow in my grief. I thank Him for giving me wisdom on how to grieve instead of creating unhealthy images (i.e. Eric is with us everywhere we go) and ideals. Most of all, I am thankful that Eric and I had an excellent relationship which, I believe, is the reason I am so emotionally healthy right now. I am so thankful the tears are so few at this point of life. I was beginning to wonder how anyone could have so many! Of course, this blog is an incredible help in my healing as well. What an incredibly tool God has used for His glory and for my good.
So, for now it's just me but hopefully, maybe it will be we again!
~Heather

The Art of Contentment

I Timothy 6:6-8
⁶But godliness with contentment is great gain.
⁷For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.
⁸But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Probably one of the most profound lessons that I will have learned here on earth is being content. Discontentment has ruled much of my life. I was discontent while in college. I was discontent while I was first married. I was discontent with how many children we were given. I was discontent with the house He gave us, the wage He gave Eric, the clothes in my closet...you name it, I was not happy.

Basically, I wanted everything my way or no way. I was like the child who stomps her foot and says that she doesn't want any ice cream if she can't have the flavor she wants. That discontentment would rear its ugly head as jealousy and bitterness. I would covet those that had things that were better than I. I would covet those who were given the spotlight more than I. I grew bitter everytime a friend got pregnant and I didn't.

I write this and just can't believe how far the Lord has taken me. There has been some serious growing up being done around here. The proof is that in a year that I could have had some major issues with discontentment I have found my heart satisfied with where God has me. I have surrendered to His will for my life and it feels so good to obey.

There are moments though. Some I have already admitted...like not being keen on my status as a single, let alone a single mom. I had one of those moments this afternoon. As I was waking up from a nice Sunday nap I found myself incredibly lonely. I was wishing for the closeness of a man's arm around me. Just to hear someone next to me breathing deeply would be so nice. My heart cry turned into a literal cry to God to help me be satisfied with the position that He has me in right now. He answered...He always does when His children ask for help with something that He desires of them.

My journey to contentment started when we began the adoption process. There has been no other time in my life where I had to sacrifice so much. We sacrificed our time, money, energy, resources, and hearts to bring home Brown Sugar and Lil' Cowboy. During the year it took us to bring them home we became very content with what God has given us. There are few things more humbling then to see how people live in a third world country. It changes your perspective. What is truly necessary for our well-being here on earth? The passage above says food and clothing. A roof over your head or a comfortable bed to sleep in at night is not even mentioned.

Of course, there is nothing like death to remind us of where we came from and where we are going. We came into this world with not even a stitch of clothing and we will leave it as dust in the ground. Kind of humbling don't you think?
All of these worldly goods are of no value if they are not used for His glory. He gave it to us anyway and He can easily take it away. Practically speaking you have to set your mind on the fact that He is in control of all things. If He is in control of everything and He asks us to be content then the obvious is to obey. But, words and actions sometimes do not come together as easily as writing those words on paper (or typing on a computer!).

Recently I asked myself the question "If I were to lose the house, my children, or my income would I be as content?". I had a moment of panic because I realized how easy it is for me to feel secure because these things are taken care of right now. But, what if? I just have to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding". In the same way that you have to trust when you worry about what you would do if you were in my situation.

I guess if you were to ask me how I can be content through all this I would say that it is the giving up, the surrendering your will to His. Speaking your requests out loud when you know you are struggling with being satisified with your lot in life. And, ultimately it is the power of the Holy Spirit that enables you to continue to submit and obey whatever He asks.

~Heather

Deliberate Thinking

I was re-reading my last post. And I think I could be misunderstood by what I wrote at the end of that particular blog spot. Here is what I wrote:
"That just plain makes me sad.
And, then it makes me cry.
And, then I begin to rejoice.
Rejoice in His goodness, His mercy."

I want you to know that I do not rejoice naturally. In my humanness I would rather curl up into a little ball and call it quits. I would rather the world just stop and I get off. Granted, the feelings are not as intense as they were last year but the feelings are still there. The lonliness is real. The overwhelming responsibility of taking care of this family is real.
So, rejoicing doesn't just happen. It is a commitment to seeing things through God's eyes. Rejoicing is a deliberate task...purposing to do what God asks me to do even though I do it by faith. It takes faith to rejoice because the rewards are not necessarily seen at the moment. My faith is where my hope lies. Hope that God is working at making me more like Him through my obedience. Hope that He will work all things out for my good and His glory.

Even though it takes deliberate thinking to rejoice it does seem easy right now. I am so resting in God and trusting His right hand. This is one of those times when I feel like I am floating along doing what comes next. Not much bothers me...even those little bumps in the road (they are all little compared to losing Eric).
Not all moments are like these but for the time being I am content in His plan for me. I am content living by faith and in hope quoting regularly...
Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice!
~Heather

How Children Grieve

There is not one handbook that could have prepared me for leading my children through the grief of losing their dad. Each one of them has dealt with this tragedy in different ways. And, really, I had not been much help to them until recently. Dealing with one's own grief seems to take up a significant amount of time and energy...add the grief of six other people and the task seems overwhelming. They either learn to deal with it on their own or someone's grief gets set aside until it boils over and has to be dealt with.

I will be the first to admit that I do not fully understand my children's loss. I see the consequences of it and I know the pain but I can't fully understand the hole that Eric's death has left behind in their hearts. And, I don't pretend in front of them that I understand it all but I am willing to listen and help in anyway possible.

A significant amount of letters that filled my email box asked how the kids were doing. So, I am about to give you a glimpse into the life of each child. I know there are many of you who continue to pray for each child and their needs.
I hope this will help you specifically know how to pray.

Boo is now twenty. She is a bright, energetic, talented young lady who is not swayed by what this world has to offer. She is by far heads and tales more mature than I was at her age. And, to think that at her age I was already married! She is much more ready to be married than I was at the age of twenty-five!
Boo has dealt with her grief all along the way. Her anxiety attacks have ceased and she seems to be doing well. It breaks her heart though to think that her daddy will not be there to help her find the right man and walk her down the aisle when that right man comes along. It breaks my heart as well. Of all the children she had the most heartache. She was daddy's little girl and had eighteen incredible years with him. He would be proud of her accomplishments. She is an incredible seamstress! She has a great sense of adventure and would be the ideal pioneer woman if she had lived in the 1800's. I am amazed at her attitude in life.
She has taken on the duty of head chef in our house. She is doing all the shopping, organizing, and cooking of food. Of course, she has a wonderful kitchen to work in now which is an added benefit. Although this is another great way for her to be prepared for her future life as a wife and mother I must say that I am the one that receives the most benefit. She is a great help to me and has become a very close friend. I am incredibly impressed by her continuing to want to teach herself new things...the latest? Learning how to make cheese. You go girl!

I believe that Goose has probably the hardest adjustment of all the kids. He and Eric were inseparable. Goose depended on Eric to teach him about life. As Goose tells it "God took dad home before I had time to ask him all the questions I had". Another heartbreak for me. I have really tried to surround Goose with godly men who will help him through this part of life. Growing up is already hard...doing it without your dad is even harder but not impossible.
I have mentioned before that there is one man in particular that has really gone above and beyond when it comes to shepherding Goose. His reward is in heaven!

Miss M is like Boo in the sense that she has been dealing with her grief all the way through this past year. She is the first one to put her arm around me and cry with me. She is incredibly sensitive to the grief she feels. Miss M is incredibly protective of her dad and does not shy away from her feelings. She was recently worried that I was going to put away all of Eric's pictures in the house. I have seen Miss M put her energy into learning. Her goal is to get through school early so that she can head on into nursing school. She is full of dreams and hopes for the future.

I don't get Daisy. In many ways she is like Eric when it comes to the emotions of the heart. Eric was incredibly even keeled and so seems Daisy. I don't think I have seen more than a few tears fall from her eyes in regards to her daddy's death. Some might say that she is in denial and I will admit that I have thought this a time or two. But, her personality has always been like Eric's and so I make sure that she always knows that I am available to talk to just in case she "finally" decides to grieve out in the open. I will admit that sometimes she shows an emotional flippancy that hurts and I have told her so. What I am trying to do is love her to death and let her know that all the emotions that surround a tragedy like she has experienced are okay to exhibit. I hope and pray she is listening!

Lil' Cowboy is doing well. It has helped to have him out of the house and learning under the watchful eye of our friends. Lil' Cowboy and Brown Sugar are the kiddos who could make me question God's sovereign will in this situation. They had to say good-bye to their life in Liberia and to the parents who gave them life. Then, they come over to a foreign land where they fall "in love" with a new daddy and mommy only to have to say good-bye to their new daddy. Where is the fairness in this? Thankfully I know better and trust that God's plans are much bigger and better than mine would ever be. For some reason this is a part of His plan for their lives and who am I to argue with that?
Lil' Cowboy has really accepted the death of his daddy through his child-like faith in God's sovereign will. He talks freely about his love for Eric and has great memories to last him a lifetime. He does have his moments of crying and he willingly lets the tears flow.
Brown Sugar has a similar child-like faith. I try to help her remember certain things that Eric would do with her like tickling her neck. She talks about him all the time and says the most profound things about heaven and God. I hope she never forgets the man who went around the world to pick her up and bring her home. She is a smart cookie so there is hope that Eric will live on in her heart...even if it is a distant memory.
She prays nightly for a new daddy...that is enough to make anyone cry!

For those of you who read this and think that all is well on this side of the computer I need to burst your bubble. This new life has been a huge adjustment for us all. There are many times that I feel like I am barely keeping this family from falling a part. Those moments are short lived though as I remind the kids (and myself) that God is in control. I did not ask for this new position and when they rebel against me they ultimately rebel against God. I struggle with each child in different ways. It is exhausting keeping up with each child's needs but it is the task that has been laid before me. To not accept my responsibility is to again... to rebel against God.
My morning prayer?
"Lord, give me wisdom to see where I need to relax, where I need to love more, and the issues that I need to deal with."
~Heather

Confessions

The last few days have been filled with a lot of soul searching. As I have been listening to podcasts of sermons by various Preachers I have been convicted by a particular phrase that keeps roaming around in my brain:
Functional savior

These two words just rolled off the tongue of one particular pastor as if everyone knew exactly what he meant. The words just hung around tempting me to search for an answer to the question "What is a functional savior?".
In turning the phrase around it really answered my question. A functional savior is anything or anyone that functions as a savior in your life rather than Christ. An idol. But, it is really more than just something that takes priority over God. It is something you have allowed to help you operate or live your life. It is something that you have opened up to to help you escape the reality of your situation.

So, after some soul searching I have come to realize that I have allowed a type of functional savior to "rescue" me from my circumstances. And, as a result I am letting go of some things that I thought were important or "must-haves" so that I can truly understand the lessons that God is wanting me to learn.
Remember in the last post I wrote that one of the ways we must rejoice in our trials is knowing that "the testing of our faith develops perseverance". We rejoice because we know that God uses trials to purify us and make us more like Him.

I am sure that you are all incredibly curious about what might be that functional savior. I have come to realize that my functional savior has been a dream. The dream or hope of what the future may hold. Or rather what I thought the future should hold.
I always think about the post I wrote a long time back that asked the question "how would I face this trial if I knew there was nothing good in the worldly sense at the end?" Would I walk away saying forget this or would I be content with the end result being my reward in heaven?
I can't say that I have been very content in my new role as a single woman in a married world or that I have been content in my new role as a single mom.
Yes, I have continued to do what God has told me to do...love Him and love my children. But, I have allowed a dream to help me sleep at night. I tell myself that everything will be all right in the future. I just have to work through this process of grief and then I can move on to what God has planned for me which has to include marriage....it just has to! My functional savior is the dream of being married again. This pain and sorrow will all be worth it if in the end I have another sweet relationship with another man.

The light bulb went off and the red flags started to sway back and forth as I realized that I was putting my future "plans" above the will of my Heavenly Father. Instead of relying on the One, True Savior I was willing to rely on a dream.
What if He calls me to be single the rest of my life? I know that the Bible does reflect a different ideal but it might be that I am the exception. Really, it comes down to being content where He has me and leave the future in His hands.

So, for the past couple of days I have been praying, thinking, reading, listening, and praising Him. Consciously making an effort to lean on the true Savior of my heart rather than on those functional saviors that only lead to disappointment and bitterness.

Folks, this is a hard path to walk....much harder than I could have ever realized. When you spend your whole adult life being married you just can't see life any differently. I hate to say this but I think that the Church as a whole could be chastised for making the institution of marriage an idol at times. Marriage is a wonderful reflection of God's redemption BUT it does not make you holy. It is a way that God sanctifies us and I believe that it should be something that we desire as believers BUT marriage in and of itself should not become our focus....it can't save you. God should be our focus within the relationship that He has given us....in my case, the relationship is an intimate one with Him.

God has seen fit to give me this time in my life to learn how to be single and yet dependent on Him rather than on a man. I have tried to just "float" through this time to get to what I was hoping was a future marriage. But, the journey at this moment is what counts. The journey at this moment is what give me the chance to grow in Him.
Boy, I sure hope this is making sense. I still believe that marriage is a God ordained institution and I know it is biblical to hope to be married again. But, to allow my future hopes to help me escape the present means that I am depending on a functional savior rather than the One who bled and died for me.
~Heather

A Strange Prayer Request

Lord let me feel the grief so that I may rejoice!

So how is that for a prayer request?
A friend recommended that I listen to a particular podcast on I Peter 1:3-9.
The teacher was Mark Driscoll ( a personal favorite) and the subject was on trials.
There was a lot of food for thought...substantial food.
The first part of his teaching was on grief being a true emotion that God gives us. But, "the weight of God's glory is heavier than any grief of the trial in your life."
He affirmed the process and admonished us to not make trite statements such as:
"You need to read the Psalms"
"It's time to move on"
"Have you searched your heart for sin?"

The second half of his sermon was on the ten reasons to rejoice in your trial.
1. I have been shown great mercy
2. I am born again...with a complete different orientation
3. I have a living hope through the living resurrection of Christ
4. My inheritance is unshakable and not perishable
5. My inheritance is kept in heaven..this is not home...this is the closest we will get to hell!
6. My salvation is secure...He will carry me and will never leave me. It does not mean it will get better but He will be there.
6. This trial is all for only a little while. This life will seem like "one short recess in a school day"...what is worse? A bad eternity.
7. Faith is of greater value than gold. Trials really purify my faith and this brings me to praise Him. The heat of the trial hurts but purifies. It gets rid of the strongholds, bad motives, functional saviors, pride, hopes and dreams. The heat exposes my
impurities and sanctifies by the Spirit.
8. I am to rejoice in the results of the trial rather than the trial itself.
9. Though I have not seen Him I love Him....I could not denounce or deny Him because I love Him.
10. Though I do not see Him I believe in Him...trials force me to answer the question "Do I believe?"

Personally I feel like I have done a lot of rejoicing this past year. I knew all the verses that say rejoice and reminded myself that even if I don't want to I must because I am commanded to do so. My heart will follow if only I will obey.
I have had many moments where I would rather wallow in despair or have a nice little pity party. But, I have tried ever so hard to take those thoughts captive and rejoice instead.
I am not always so faithful though.
Yesterday I dealt with a loss of hope. I have been dealing with this just about every Sunday now. There is nothing like going to church and seeing intact families to send me into a tailspin of grief. I am confronted every week with my loss and the sadness can sometimes seem overwhelming come Sunday evening.
Late last night I decided I needed a boost of faith...I needed to hear God's Word preached personally to my heart. And, what I heard was good medicine indeed.
If you would like to hear the sermon I did please click here.
I promise you that whatever trial you are working through (financial, relationships, loss) this word from God will encourage you.
Today? I am rejoicing once again in the trial that has been set before me.
~Heather

Mercy!

I am learning the art of accepting help.
I have felt like I have been playing a game of Mercy lately. My "fingers" have been pushed back to their limit. I have been feeling the pain and finally yelled Mercy.
Crazy that it takes us so long to get to the point of giving in.

There is no way that one person can take on the responsibility of raising six children of different ages and different personalities. This one person has had to admit that it sometimes does take a village to raise a houseful of children. Thankfully I am surrounded by a village of godly people who seem to see where I need help before I see it myself.

I have no idea how to raise a son.
I am not even going to pretend that I understand what he is going through and so I am dependent on men in my life to help me with my oldest son. There are many men that speak into Goose's life and then there is Fletch. He has personally taken on Goose by starting two different book studies to help him through this difficult transition into manhood. Fletch has been a sounding board for my son and helps me work through problems with him.
There really isn't a better man for the job! Eric would be surprised and yet incredibly grateful to know that this friend has given so much of his time to making sure that Goose makes it.

I believe that the Lord brings people into our lives to help us on this journey. I am surrounded by people who have really tried to figure out what my needs might be and give a helping hand. Another person is lending a helping hand in an area that I feel incredibly inadequate. Jennifer S. and her family have taken on schooling Lil' Cowboy for me. This is the same family that kept us busy down in SoCal on the anniversary of Eric's death.

Many might wonder why I didn't put my children into school after Eric died. My kids have never been to a regular school. Can you imagine if they had to cope with the loss of their dad while trying to learn the ropes of a regular school situation? I really do believe that the lessons that they have learned over the past year are vital to their education. Learning to be the family we are today has been a long process (which continues). Books teach you one thing but life teaches many valuable lessons as well. I am thankful that I have had the ability to stay home with them and walk with them through it all.
Anyway, my four oldest children are all self-sufficient when it comes to their book studies. Boo is done with her work and Goose wraps up his this spring. Miss M is determined to get through high school early so that she can get into nursing school quickly and Daisy just plugs along with her studies. These guys are easy.
Lil' Cowboy is another story. He is eight and still struggles with reading. His brain had been starved for the first six years of his life and we are seeing the reprocutions of his malnutrition. It is just darn frustrating to teach him.
Jennifer had no idea that I had been praying that the Lord would help me in this area. I was at the end of my rope and could not see any progress. So, when she asked if they could teach him for me I quickly said "Yes, thank you!" In a sense, it was all about Mercy! At some point there is no need for pride; feeling like I must do this or I can do everything and I don't need any help. When the fingers are feelin' the pain you don't care about pride anymore. You just want....Mercy!
And, thanks to some incredible friends I am finding that mercy.
~Heather