Soundtrack of Life

As in a movie I seem to have a soundtrack that plays in my head. I call it my soundtrack of life. It seems to me that God uses music to corral my thoughts, open my eyes, give me peace, and encourage me. I can not tell you how often I have been in a particular situation and a song just happens to come on that the Holy Spirit uses to calm me or remind me whose I am.
I have been grateful for "my soundtrack" during this incredibly hard time so I thought I would share a couple of the songs that have been floating through my head this past couple of weeks.

THE VALLEY SONG - JARS OF CLAY

You have lead me to the sadness I have carried this pain

On my back, bruised and nearly broken

I'm crying out to You

[chorus]I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek Your face

But I fear You aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that is Yours

While we wait for rescue

With our eyes tightly shut

Face to the ground, using our hands

To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

Higher mountains have come down

ISAIAH 43

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you

And the waves will not overcome you

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you

I have called you by name, you are mine

For I am the Lord your God...I am the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior...

I am the Lord...do not fear

GOD WITH US - MERCY ME

...All that is within me cries for You alone be glorified,

Emmanuel God with us,

My heart sings a brand new song, the debt is paid these chains are gone,

Emmanuel God with us.

BRING THE RAIN - MERCY ME

I can count a million times

People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

(Chorus) So I pray...Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray...chorus

Holy, holy, holyIs the Lord God Almighty

BLUE SKIES - POINT OF GRACE

On days of gray when doubt clouds my view

Its so hard to see past my fears

My strength seems to fade and its all I can do

To hold on, til the light reappears

Still, I believe though some rains bound to fall

That you're here next to me and you're over it all

(chorus)Lord, the skys still blue for my hope is in you

You're my joy, You're the dream that's still alive

With the wind at my back and the sun on my face

You are life, You're grace, You are blue

When nights are long seems the dark has no end

Still we walk on in light of the truth

For waiting beyond where the morning begins

Is the dawn, and you're mercy anew

Oh, to believe we're alive in you're love

There is so much to see ff we keep looking up

MERCIES ANEW

Every morning that break, there are mercies anew

Every breath that I take is your faithfulness proved

and at the end of each day when my labors are through

I will sing of Your mercies anew

(chorus) And Your mercies they will never end

For ten thousand years they remain

and when this world's beauty has passed away

Your mercies will be unchanged

And when the storms swirl and rage there are mercies anew

in affliction and pain You will carry me through

and at the end of my days,when Your throne fills my view

I will sing of Your mercies anew

Have I bored you yet? I could go on and on.

I haven't even included the zillion hymns that run through my head minute by minute.

I am truly grateful to the Author of music.

~Lazyd

Left Behind

I feel left behind. Eric has gone on to bigger and better things and I have been left back here on earth with an incredible sense of loneliness.

I avoid going to sleep every night because in the silence my mind starts thinking about my loss. Tonight was no exception. As the tears poured down my face I struggled with a desparate feeling of emptiness. I will never see or touch Eric again and I have no idea if the Lord has another man for my future life. Talk about trusting! I have no choice but to abandon myself to His perfect will.

As you can see my grief is changing. Every morning I wake up and say "Great is THY faithfulness...morning by morning new mercies I see" but I feel "another day to have to deal with the reality that Eric is gone". My heart breaks.

In writing this I do not want to be a "downer". So many of you are praying for us and so I feel obligated to share how I feel so you know how to pray. These things are not easy to write.

One thing I am learning is to really trust God. On a different level. This is a spiritual battle that I am gearing up for. The thought of lonliness could easily take me down the path of idolatry...using things as the healer of my life rather than allowing God his rightful position. The act of purposely communicating and developing a "husband" relationship with Him is not easy and there are many distractions to keep me from this. To trust His will for my past, present, and future is big and needed for all believers. But, I must now trust Him to be my husband, my counselor, my "lover" if you will, my best friend. No distraction of an earthly husband now.

I have to actively pray and pray more.

As I find myself getting deeper and deeper into the greiving process (it is no longer if I am going to cry but when am I going to stop) I have to guard my heart and lean steadfastly on my Savior. And, guide the children down the same path. Exhausting! I am exhausted but hopeful.

~Lazyd

Practical Things

I have a new-found appreciation for those who have traveled this road before me. I had no idea what obstacles a new widow has to learn to overcome in the first few months after her husband's death.

For instance, in our county you will not receive the death certificate for up to six weeks. In other counties this can take up to six months! In the meantime, as you are grieving, you have to continue to pay bills without an income. And, even if the woman did work (I am not sure how she could and grieve properly) her income more than likely would not cover the bills. If there was a life insurance policy or if you plan on getting the Social Security death benefits you must wait for the death certificate.

Now I must add here that I am well taken care of in this transition period. The church we attend, Central Valley Presbyterian, has been incredibly supportive. All I have to do is ask and I would have a myriad of people helping in anyway they can. The outpouring of love in the form of monetary gifts has been overwhelming and very helpful too. We are making the house payments and keeping up on the bills and will continue to for another month or so as we wait for that certificate and the benefits to start.

I feel for those women who don't have a supportive church body and who possibly might not even have benefits coming their way. What an added burden.

From the very beginning of our marriage Eric and I talked about the practical matters of life after the death of a spouse. He assured me that he would financially take care of me and our children. We even had a healthy policy on me so that if I died he would be able to spend more time with the children (an important thing to remember for all of you out there that homeschool). He laid many firm foundations for us: spiritual and financial. He taught and showed our children how to love God and others, he built a strong family bond that is proving to be unshakable through this ordeal, and he took steps to assure that we would be able to keep the house that he and Goose spent years building.

Eric and I would talk about what I was to do if he died. He even wrote me a letter with all of our financial notes in it. The letter starts out saying "If you are reading this letter then this is a sad day for you..."

I am learning the art of taking care of the finances (something he wanted to teach me and I dreaded). I am learning how to take care of car and house problems. I am learning how to make decisions - something that Eric did for me for the past twenty years. I am learning to discipline the children without the benefit of having daddy's help. I am learning how to make my way through the business world that I despise. And, if Eric could (or would even want to) look down on us I know he would yell "I know you can do it. I believe in you."

Hard Words to Hear

Recently I had a moment to sit with Daisy and ask her about how she is doing. I have been particularly worried that she might be carrying the weight of her daddy's death on her shoulders since she was with him that fateful day.

A dear friend, who happens to be a biblical family counselor, told me that she really needs to verbalize what happened that day so that she can get it out "in the open". So, I asked her to share her experience. What I was not ready for was the images that came to my mind as she described what happened. As she was sharing her side of the story I had a deep gut ache. I wanted to go back into time and do something, anything to help him. I can see God's plan in not having me there because I would have felt even more helpless. But, I can't help having the "what-if's" creep into my thoughts every now and then.

Daisy said that Eric seemed fine when he went into the store but when he came back out to the truck he was struggling to breath. She felt very helpless and wasn't sure what to do until Eric handed her his phone and said dial 911. As I write this I am again feeling that ugly,

gut-wrenching, anxious feeling.

She dialed but it just kept ringing. Someone else came out of a store and saw the need so she called 911. Her phone dialed right in and help was on its way. In the meantime, Eric was suffocating and so Daisy ran to Best Buy to get help from them. The security guard came out but there really is not much that you can do for someone whose airway is filled with mucos. I can envision what was going on with him because from what Daisy told me it was very similar to what happened in the hospital in November. But, then I was able to hold him, talk to him and he was being given medical care on the spot. This time he dropped to the ground and help just could not get there fast enough.

When the ambulance did arrive he was in need of life saving measures so they put a catheter in his jugular vein, intubated him right away, and used the paddles to bring back his heart. He probably went five to ten minutes without help. The Doctors in the ER said that the average human can only go three to four minutes without air before their brain completely shuts down. During this whole time Daisy said that she was swept away by some by-standers and then handed over to the police detective. I asked her if she was scared. She said she was scared and that she wanted to be by her daddy's side but they would not let her. Children do not understand the fraility of life...if Daisy had I believe that she would have begged to tell her daddy one last good-bye or say "I love you" one more time.

Daisy and I shed some tears as we talked about how nothing she could have done would have changed the outcome. God's plan was for Eric to go onto his eternal life that day.

A few weeks before this we had a discussion about eternal life. Lil' Cowboy was asking if John the Baptist baptized him. We replied that our pastor did because John the Baptist has been dead a long time. Of course, me being the antogonist of the family chimed in and said that really John the Baptist was still alive. They all looked at me with that oh-great-here-we-go-again look. I explained that we are eternal beings that really do not die...only our mortal bodies die. Little did we know that this subject would hit so close to home in such a short time. Daisy and I talked about how Eric is living his eternal life even though his mortal body is buried.

It was a good conversation and got us that much closer to healing the deep pain in our souls for our daddy and husband.

~Lazyd

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,

Because the LORD has anointed Me

To preach good tidings to the poor;

He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,

To proclaim liberty to the captives,

And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,

And the day of vengeance of our God;

To comfort all who mourn,

3 To console those who mourn in Zion,

To give them beauty for ashes,

The oil of joy for mourning,

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

That they may be called trees of righteousness,

The planting of the LORD, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED.”

Isaiah 61:1-3

and...

1 In You, O LORD, I put my trust;

Let me never be put to shame.

2 Deliver me in Your righteousness,

and cause me to escape;

Incline Your ear to me, and save me.

3 Be my strong refuge,

To which I may resort continually;

You have given the commandment to save me,

For You are my rock and my fortress...

7 I have become as a wonder to many,

But You are my strong refuge.

8 Let my mouth be filled with Your praise

And with Your glory all the day...

14 But I will hope continually,

And will praise You yet more and more.

15 My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness

And Your salvation all the day,

For I do not know their limits.

16 I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD;

I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only...

19 Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,

You who have done great things;

O God, who is like You?

20 You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,

Shall revive me again,

And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.

21 You shall increase my greatness,

And comfort me on every side.

22 Also with the lute I will praise You—

And Your faithfulness, O my God!

To You I will sing with the harp,

O Holy One of Israel.

23 My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing to You,

And my soul, which You have redeemed.

Portions of Psalm 71 (take time to read the whole psalm)

This is what gets me through the pain and sorrow.

~Lazyd

A Moment of Clarity

I am really going to lay out my heart here. It is never easy to show a part of yourself that you hope no one ever sees. This time I feel that a part of my vulnerability is to show how God is working on my heart.

When I got married I mourned (think discontent) the loss of my previous "freedom" of college age years. I was now being told how to wear my hair, how I should spend the household money, etc. I had made a commitment to Eric but what I was really wanting was a husband to provide me money to live the life that I really want.

When I found out I was pregnant with Boo I was very upset. I had no intention of getting pregnant so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of marriage. When Eric was out at sea I played to my heart's content and when Eric came home we played to our heart's content. We were so focused on our own personal satisfaction. I had a small understanding that life would change with the birth of our children but I was still so focused on me that I started to get upset about this new phase of life that would take even more of my "freedom" away. Eric, on the other hand, saw each new phase as a gift. He wanted lots of children and with each child he gave more of himself away to spend raising our children and establishing a godly home.

When I found out that I was pregnant with number four I was dumb-struck. I think I cried for a couple of weeks. Miss M was only five months old so how could I be pregnant again and how in the world was I going to manage four children (I laugh at this now!) and still have time for me? After much whining on my part Eric agreed to a vasectomy. I cried all the way home from that appointment as I realized that I was moving into another phase of life that I was not sure I wanted to go into.

Much of my problem with moving into new phases of life is that they are proof that I am growing old and I have no ability to stop time and stay where I am. I was rebelling against the God of the universe. I liken my attitude to that of a two year old who doesn't want the ice cream you give them because it isn't exactly the way they desire it. I didn't want to go into a new phase of life because it would mean saying good-bye to the old and supposedly all of the tears and tantrums would get me what I wanted.

The latest discontentment that I have dealt with for the past twelve years was not being able to have any more biological children. Even though I had ended the child bearing years of my life I was now upset with God that He did not miracuously give us another child. Eric even had a reversal so why did God not provide?

As I reflect on my new phase of life, widowhood, I finally feel defeated. But, defeated in a good way. I do not believe that God took Eric away from me to teach me a lesson but I believe that God uses these valleys as an instrument to teach us lessons even as He uses these valleys to change other people's lives. I can not change what God has ordained from the very beginning of time whether that be life choices, children, or death. Death is final. There is no turning back but only going forward and embrace the future that God has in store for me.

So, I humbly submit to my Creator who has created this life for my sanctification. It is a stepping stone toward an eternity with Him in a new heaven and new earth. I still do not understand His ways but I continue to trust.

~Lazyd

Friday

Friday was the National Cemetary memorial service. This was a very hard day as we said our final good-byes and realized the reality of Eric's death.

Sitting in the office making final arrangements for his stone was not a happy occasion. It is amazing how detached people are in this business. I had a hard time keeping the "sorrows like sea billows" from rolling over me while they talked about what emblem I would like on his stone.

The service itself was very nice but not as personal as the memorial service we had had a few weeks earlier. At Eric's memorial service Taps was played live and Eric's Chief presented me with the flag. On Friday I knew none of the men of the color guard although one of the sweet moments was to see 80 and 90 year old men complete the 21 gun salute. Eric would have been honored by having these veterans a part of his service. He loved older people.

The highlight of the event was the prayer that was said by the chaplan. Just by his words you knew that this man was a God fearing man. As I write my thoughts and memories down on paper I am reminded again and again how God has placed godly men and women in my life at strategic times. There was a small group of close friends with us and as we all reflected later we realized that we all walked away with a sense of awe that the prayer was so authentic and not rehearsed. How fantastic it was to note that we still have the freedom of religion at a National cemetary while we fight for this same freedom in other parts of our government.

On a side note, I still have the prayer beeper and it continues to go off every couple of seconds. I surmise that the number of times this beeper has gone off is only a reflection of about a quarter of the people who are actually praying for me and my children. I can't thank you enough for your prayers and comments. The verses everyone has shared with me are being written down and I am hoping to memorize the majority of them to better help me reflect on His Word when life gets overwhelming.

Someone told me that I am walking down probably the hardest road that I will ever travel in this life. By God's mercy I had not seen it like that. The word picture that I have used often is that of God as a cloud protecting the Israelites in the wilderness. As I walk through this valley I am oblivious to so much around me because of that cloud of protection. I have my moments of deep anguish but after a few moments I am usually quieted down by a sense of peace. I am embracing the pain and moving forward with what God has for my life. I am going to talk more about that in my next post.

By the way, we lost count after 400,000 on the prayer beeper. Thank you ever so much for those who are calling in and for those who are just continuing to pray without calling in.

~Lazyd

Dinner for Two

A little "bird" suggested to my 17 year old son that he should take me out to dinner for Valentine's day. What a wonderful idea and it is no surprise that this friend would understand how our family works. There were many people that were thinking this was not a good idea because it would be too hard for me but my friend understands our desire and Eric's goal was to produce young men with a heart towards their mother and sisters. We want Goose (and eventually Lil Cowboy) to be thoughtful, honorable, and courageous enough to step out and take control of a family situation.

Goose did incredibly well in a world that he is not used to. He went over to our neighbor's house and asked her where he should take me joking around that maybe I would enjoy Hometown Buffet (ugh!). He called the suggested restaurants and made reservations at a wonderful place that Eric and I loved to go to.

My neighbor friend happened to mention the lovely thought of our son taking me out to dinner to an aquaintance of hers. This person happens to be the wife of a Doctor in town that co-owns a medical building that houses a very nice restaurant. He found our story to be very sweet and made arrangements for us to have dinner at the said restaurant for free. But, not only did they get us reservations (on Valentine's day no less) and a free meal but they also had flowers waiting for me when I got there. We were seated at the best table and even the tip was taken care of.

What makes this even more special is that this has opened a door for my neighbor to witness to this friend who made the arrangements in the first place. Isn't God good? Eric had never met these people and yet his life will be an instrument in giving them the Gospel.

By the way, the meal was wonderful and the conversation with my son was priceless.

~Lazyd

Love

It is very early in the morning on Valentine's day. I couldn't sleep and so I decided to look at some pictures on Eric's laptop...bad idea...it just started the tears again. This picture was taken at our twentieth anniversary party last summer by a dear friend. We renewed our vows that night. I can not even describe how much I love this man...thankfully, he knew I loved him.

Today, take a moment to tell your husband or wife how you truly feel about them. You may have another forty years to spend with your spouse or you may only have a few. Take advantage of the time you do have together so that you live with no regrets.

~Lazyd

So, How Are The Kiddos?

I have had a few friends ask how the kiddos are doing with this upheaval in their lives. I must say that the foundation that Eric built for our family has endured this "earthquake" and has made us stronger. I have seen our kids come together and rally behind one another. There have been many tears and yet many hugs.

How about a run down on each child?

Boo was very, very close to her daddy. She, of course, has had many more years with him and the bond was strong. She has shed many tears and yet has really shown how strong she is in Christ. She believes and trust God's promises. She is the one that is most attentive to me. She will come up and hold my hand when Eric use to. She is quite a comfort to me and I think that in this way we are sharing our grief together. I believe that she will struggle when we go on our first trip away or when we go do something that would have daddy written all over it. But, she will come and squeeze my hand and we will struggle through it together.

Goose is being very brave right now. I don't think it has really hit him yet. I gave all the children writing tablets and encouraged them to write their memories, letters to Eric, and draw pictures of their feelings. I have not seen what Goose has written but I am sure this will be the most profitable way for him to grieve. He is a bit like me...he would rather grieve in private and not in front of a whole group of people. He has also taken up running with our Pastor and his kids. Running is a great way to relieve your body of stress.

Miss M was hit hard today. She moped around and was very teary. She is very accepting of hugs and is very cuddly right now...this is not her normal self as many of my friends would attest to. She is also sleeping a lot. I reminded her of her writing tablet and encouraged her to get her thoughts down on paper since she is a wonderful writer.

Daisy is her joyful self. She is the one I have been most concerned about because she saw Eric collapse. Her writing tablet is a quarter of the way full of pictures of her and her daddy. She wrote out what happened that Friday and has some other sweet things written in there about her daddy. She is the most like his personality which was much less emotional. I also have some workbooks about death that we received at the hospital which we will be going through. Thankfully, our dear missionary friend from Canada browsed through them and let me know of anything that went against what we believe.

Lil' Cowboy has cried many tears over the past few weeks. By the way, today is exactly two weeks since Eric's passing into Glory. Anyway, Lil' Cowboy has given us some concern because of a couple of things he has said. He asked our next door neighbor if he could call him dad now. This would be cute if it was a child that was not adopted but not so cute when you are trying to bond to an adopted child. We settled on uncle instead of dad. He also told Daisy that he was not her brother but rather her step-brother...he doesn't even know what a step-brother is but he does know that it means something different than a brother. He also told us that he was not a Davis. I have had some long talks with him and am so grateful that he has an older brother to look up to. I am sure it will be all right...we continue to draw him into our family and hope he accepts us.

Brown Sugar is not oblivious to what is going on around her. She senses something is different. Nana and Papa are here, friends and family are pouring in and out the door daily, and daddy has not come home. I continue to tell her that daddy loves her and that he is living with Jesus. She has also started to act up a bit more so I am having to really be consistant even when I am exhausted from crying. It is a trying time and yet I know that consistantly disciplining and nurturing her will mean many sweet year ahead.

Such a long post....sorry about that. I hope this answers some questions on how the kids are doing. The National Cemetary is giving a national burial for Eric this Friday. On the same day I plan to present the children with a book to cherish. For the girls I bought Cinderella: The Love of a Daddy and His Princess by Steven Curtis Chapman. For Nate I am buying Grandpa's Box: Retelling the Biblical Story of Redemption by Starr Meade because he is now taking on the duties of leading us in family worship. And, for Lil' Cowboy I bought My ABC Bible Verses by Susan Hunt.

~Lazyd

Questions and Tears

Last night it hit me. The tears just kept coming uncontrollably. I really had no idea that one could cry so much! And, then they rolled down my cheeks all day today.

I have read and re-read every single comment and the words of encouragement that have been left have become a source of strength for this very weary heart.

I don't feel very strong at the moment but feel much more like a two year old who isn't getting her way. As I cry out to God in my agony I question why this had to happen to me. Why did he have to take Eric home when I need him so much down here? Why is Brown Sugar going to grow up without a daddy? Why will my girls have to walk down the aisle with their brother rather than their father? How could He think that I could handle mothering six children by myself? And yet my questions are already answered in the sweet peace of the Holy Spirit. On earth I will never know why He chose to take Eric home but He sure is getting a lot of glory out of it. Brown Sugar and the rest of our girls were never suppose to have Eric around to walk them down the aisle or any of the other things that daddy's do with their children. And, God has promised that He will be my husband and the father to my precious children. He loves us much more than we can ever imagine. All that being said, I don't understand but I trust His hand.

As I sit here writing I can't help but cry once more. Let me just say that this is, by far, the worst anguish that I have ever felt and my Savior knows such anguish. He is familiar with sorrow, pain, and death.

Such a paradox to be grieving on one hand and yet be rejoicing on the other. The pain seems unbearable at times but I continue to praise Him. I suppose I wanted to write this post not so you would understand my pain but that you would know that even in His strength I am feeling the pain. I am weak but He is strong. I am unable to handle this grief on my own but His strength is perfect.

Take courage by the reigns...don't let go. If you are going through a trial or a struggle in your life walk in His strength and courage. It will do your soul good (as it does mine) and also give Him glory.

The Sweet Faith of a Child

A couple of nights ago I snuck little Brown Sugar into my bed because she was still awake. Most nights I cry myself to sleep and this night was no exception. As I was crying Brown Sugar wiped my tears away while saying "It's okay".

I told her that I was very sad because I wish daddy was still here with us. She asked (mind you, she is only 2 1/2 years old) "Daddy sick?". I said "No, daddy is no longer sick. He is in heaven with Jesus."

She said "I love daddy. I love Jesus." And then she started singing Jesus Loves Me, hand motions and all.

Even though I don't understand why Brown Sugar has to grow up without her daddy I understand that Jesus will be her daddy and will keep her heart.

~Lazyd

Prayers

Thought you might be interested...
From the day I got the beeper (last Tuesday) to Saturday I had 95,000+ people who prayed and then called the beeper.

From Saturday to today I have had 81,000+ people who have prayed and then called the beeper.

It is attached to me and is a visible reminder of the prayers that are being lifted up for our family. I can not tell you how many times I have almost "lost" it and the beeper goes off reminding me that my strength is in the Lord and I can make it through this.

Does prayer help? I am convinced that without the prayers of the saints I would not have been as strong on Saturday. I am convinced that without the prayers of the saints I would not have been able to get through the funeral home paperwork without shedding a tear.

But, don't get me wrong. I cry an awful lot right now. I just got done crying over my 2 1/2 year old not being able to grow up knowing her daddy. I ache in my heart when I think of my husband's body laying in the morgue. I cry out to God and ask Him to please bring Eric back to me. I am weak, He is strong.

So, please keep praying. I know the power of prayer and rely on it heavily right now. Oh, and it has been such a sweet blessing to read all of your comments....and some coming from long lost friends!
~Lazyd

Pain...

I have never felt such pain. My heart aches more than I can even fathom. Yet, through the pain a friend reminded me to start reading the psalms. He thought that the meaning of the laments would help me through this time. What is amazing about David's laments is that they are mixed with astounding praise to God Almighty. This is where my heart is. On one hand I groan with pain and on the other I rejoice in His greatness.

I am fully aware that the Lord might be using my life and the lives of our children to testify to His great goodness. As I have told many friends lately I am willing to be vulnerable and as an open book for this reason. It is not an easy task to walk into pain but for some reason I know that walking away from it would cause more heartache in the end.

Saturday was the day of the Memorial service. All went incredibly well and I have memories that I will cherish forever. Sunday I walked into the pain of attending church with our community of believers who were doubly shocked by Eric's death. This was much harder than Saturday. Monday was full of good-bye's to family and then today has been a day of meeting with friends who traveled a long way to be here for our family. Tomorrow I go to the funeral home where I will make the final arrangements for Eric's burial at the National Cemetary in Santa Nella, CA. I am anticipating a very emotional morning.

The sobs and tears seem to come at the most ackward and inconvenient times. Tonight, as we were voting, I just broke down when I saw his name on the roster and realized the finality of death. Every evening when I can no longer procrastinate my bedtime I crawl into the covers and just sob. I hope that the pain will die down over the months and years.

Thank you for all the encouraging words sent my way. Our family appreciates all of the love and prayers that are bestowed on us. I should have the memorial details including a youtube for you by the end of the week. There were some beautiful letters that I would like to share with you that capture the essence of Eric's personality.

The Night Before

It is the night before Eric's memorial service. It still does not seem real but the flowers that are arriving and the preparations for tomorrow are making it harder for me to ignore what is the new reality of our lives. My husband will no longer walk through the front door and give me a kiss. My children's father will no longer tuck them in bed each night and pray over them.

The rubber is definately hitting the road right now. You can say all you want that you believe in God's sovereignty but when you face devistating circumstances like these you realize that all that hope and faith in your theology is real. As real as the air I breath. God IS sovereign.

And, His promise to be my husband and the father to my children is truth. I have seen His mighty hand throughout this whole week. It was only a week ago that God took Eric home to be with him.

Eric was doing some work down in Merced (about a half hour south of us) with Daisy, our youngest bio child. When his breathing became too difficult he told Daisy to call 911. She did but the cell phone did not get through right away. A customer came out and realized something was wrong and called 911. This time she got through but I believe it was probably too late at this point. The ambulance arrived and they intubated him. On the way to the hospital he went into cardiac arrest and then went through cardiac arrest five more times.

I arrived at the hospital and met up with Daisy and a Detective who had taken Daisy from the scene. They brought out the Dr. and a chaplan. Ummmm...I will say at this point it became pretty clear to me that something was very wrong. They let me go back and see him. I asked if I could hold his hand while they were doing compressions on his chest. I kissed his hand and told him I loved him. The Dr. asked if I would give him permission to stop life saving measures. I asked him to explain what he was asking of me but before I could answer they whisked me out of the room. At this point I knew I had just said good-bye to my husband and I felt sooooo alone. I can not tell you the deep sobs that were coming from me.

The chaplan came back out and said that they had gotten his heart to beat again. I was amazed by this. Was God giving us a miracle? They took him up to ICU where they stablized him. The first blessing of many was the nurse shutting the door behind her and praying over Eric and I.

The next few days were sleepless as I kept hoping and praying and making plans forEric to come home. I figured that he would have sustained life long damage that would change our lives forever.

On Sunday his white blood count dropped dramatically from 20,000 to 1,600. His liver enzymes were skyrocketing meaning that he was still have muscle breakdown. We donned the masks and gowns to protect Eric from infection and continued to pray. But, my prayers started to change to asking for either a complete healing on earth or in heaven. His body was limp and even with the dropping sedation levels he was not flinching.

Monday was Boo's 19th birthday. We decided to have a birthday party for her at the hotel where our church had gotten me a room. She was surprised to see all of her friends and family there. We tried to focus on her and not on what was going on at the hospital a few blocks away.

When I went back to the hospital I found that they had unbound him. He no longer needed the restraints. Bad sign! I asked the nurse to please tell me the truth. She said that when they had tested him by inflicting pain to his body he didn't furrow his brow or flinch at all. When they tried to get mucos up through his tube he did not have a gag reflex. These were tell tale signs that his brain was dead.

The next blessing was our pastor and his wife coming back down to the hospital to be with me. Wendy sat with me all night, prayed with me, sang with me, and read to me while I kissed and held Eric's hand. She took me back to the hotel so I could get ready for the next day...telling the children that their father was dead.

Another blessing manifested itself when we went back up to talk to the attending Physician about declaring Eric brain dead. The chaplan said that this man was a godly man. It was wonderful to know that the man who was helping us understood our faith. He was kind and gentle with me during this very rough time.

In the end there were other blessings that I felt come directly from my new husband, my heavently Father. The fact that they did not declare him dead in the ER meant that I was able to spend a few days mourning the loss of my husband. The children were also able to go and say good-bye to their daddy.

I also happen to know the coroner of our county. She recognized the name and called the hospital back to find out if I was there. I talked to her for a long time and went away with a lot of info and help.

Eric's legacy is great. He lived three lifetimes in this one life. I could not have asked for a better husband, soulmate, best friend, lover. I am sure at a later date I will gush more about Eric but for now I will finish up by saying that it would be Eric's greatest wish for many to come to the Savior through his death. He would be thrilled if he knew that his life helped others to live a full life for Christ by taking care of the poor, the sick, the elderly, the lonely, the orphans. That was his passion...living out his faith.